Hold Me Close Page 11

  “You could call and see.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “Are the two of you fighting?” She turned and took a seat across from him.

  “No. We both have a lot going on right now.”

  Alyson and Riley came into the kitchen then. As they started a new conversation with their mom, Shane couldn’t help but think how much he wanted this for himself. Home and a family. More than he had. Most important, he wanted it with Maggie.

  CHAPTER 8

  It had been days since Maggie talked with Shane. An awful, unsettled feeling consumed her. This wasn’t them. She always talked to Shane. Even when she was thousands of miles away, they talked more than they had this week where they shared a freaking hallway. She began to think that asking him to have sex had been a huge mistake.

  He hadn’t been dodging her exactly. They worked together twice and they joked and talked during their shift, but something was off. And they didn’t see each other the rest of the week. Not for a meal or TV or anything. She felt like she was losing her best friend.

  Tonight, she’d make it right. She’d let him off the hook. For real. Of course she told him when she asked that it didn’t matter and if he said no, it would be no big deal, but she also knew Shane. He would do almost anything for her. So he was probably trying to figure out how to turn her down without hurting her.

  She’d have to reassure him and then find some other guy to have sex with. She shoved that last thought away. Right now, she needed to focus on Shane. She’d heard him come in earlier and bang around his apartment for a while. Since it sounded like he was working, she decided to wait to go over.

  And maybe she was a little bit chicken.

  She shook her body loose and then straightened her spine. She could do this. As she swung open her door to go to Shane’s apartment, she nearly jumped out of her skin. Shane was standing in the doorway.

  “Crap. Don’t do that to me.”

  “Do what? I was coming over to see you.”

  “So was I.” She stepped back to let him in.

  He stared at her as she closed and locked the door. When she turned back, she couldn’t help but smile. He had that effect on her. When he returned a grin of his own, she knew on some instinctual level they would be okay.

  “What were you coming over for?” she asked, still procrastinating.

  “Come here.” He grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the couch. He pushed her to sit down, but he walked in small circles. “About what you asked the other day, about having sex—”

  God, she needed to put him out of his misery. Shane didn’t get uncomfortable around her. Yet, here he was, stumbling over words. “You can forget it. It’s okay.”

  “What?”

  She sighed and stared at her hands in her lap. “I figured you were trying to tell me I’m crazy without hurting my feelings. You’re obviously uncomfortable.”

  “No.” He knelt in front of her and held her hands again. “A little, but it’s not what you think.”

  Her eyes met his, and whatever turmoil had been curling in her settled.

  “I’ve been giving it serious thought. I know you try to play it off like it’s no big deal, but it is. Deep down, you know it is.” He shifted and sat beside her. “I’ll do it. We’ll do it—or at least try.”

  Her heart swelled. If anyone could make her feel normal, it would be Shane.

  “But we do it my way.”

  The simple words shot through her and offered a bit of excitement. Would Shane be the man from her dream? The bossy, controlling guy?

  “Maggie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you agree?”

  “To what exactly?” She hoped she didn’t sound like a complete idiot. Getting turned on when a man expected to have a conversation probably wasn’t a good idea.

  “Total honesty. That’s the only way I’ll do this.”

  “Of course.”

  He grabbed her chin and held her face. “I mean it, Mags. If something makes you uncomfortable or, worse, repulsed, you have to say something. You need to be open and honest and be able to actually talk to me.”

  “I talk to you all the time, and I’m always honest with you.”

  “But you have to tell me everything. Every. Personal. Detail.” His voice dropped. “Things we’ve never discussed. What you like. What turns you on.” He swallowed hard.

  She watched his throat work and almost jumped in his lap and told him. This. Him. Right now. This turned her on. She nodded because she didn’t trust her voice to work.

  “You’re sure? Because doing this my way means I’m not just pulling my dick out and looking for a hole. It’ll be a process.”

  Now it was her turn to gulp. Although she hadn’t imagined a quickie with Shane, she hadn’t exactly pictured lots of time.

  “You’re in?”

  “If you are,” she whispered.

  His thumb caressed her jaw. “Yeah.”

  Her heart rate picked up. She licked her lips and then took a long, slow inhale.

  “Then let’s get the worst of it out of the way.”

  “Like what?”

  “Tell me your triggers. When you were with what’s-his-name in Ireland, what made you stop? What makes you freak out? Besides the smell of whiskey.”

  She bit her bottom lip. She’d thought telling Shane what turned her on would be hard? No, coming clean about all of her triggers might make him realize she was crazy. She puffed out her cheeks with a heavy breath.

  “My way, Maggie, or we stop completely.”

  “I know.” She slid her hands away from his and rubbed them on her thighs. “I’m trying to think. It’s not like I carry a handy list.” Start with the obvious. “I don’t like being closed in. Like trapped.” She closed her eyes. “I sound crazy.”

  He patted her thigh. “Not crazy.”

  She stared into Shane’s eyes. The intensity she found there grounded her. Even though the next part might’ve been a little embarrassing, she continued. “It needs to be slow.” She swallowed. “Todd was fast, rushed.”

  Shane snorted.

  “Not like that.” Well, maybe a little like that. “Sometimes hard and fast was okay, before. But it’s one thing I remember from that night. It happened so fast.”

  She felt Shane tense next to her, but she forged ahead. “Not rough.” Her voice cracked on that last one.

  “Fuck.” The word was barely a whisper, and Shane stood and paced.

  This was a bad idea. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. This was why she didn’t have this conversation with Ian. Shane already knew what happened, and his reaction still caused a storm of emotion in her. Resting her forehead on her knees, she closed her eyes. She didn’t know what else to say.

  Shane wanted to hit something. No, he wanted to destroy it. Preferably Todd McCann. If Shane had had these details years ago, he probably would’ve killed the guy instead of just beating him senseless. He watched Maggie curl into herself while he paced.

  As much as it might kill him, he sat back down and put a gentle hand on her back. He forced the words out despite not wanting to go on. “What else?”

  Maggie turned her head to the side without lifting it. “I don’t know. As much as I’d like to think I know what will freak me out, I don’t. Just like the whiskey breath. I didn’t see that coming.”

  “Fair enough. But when you feel something coming, you have to promise not to brush it aside.”

  “Okay.”

  “Now tell me what you do want.”

  A bright pink spot appeared on the cheek he could see. “I thought that was self-explanatory. I know you’ve had sex before.”

  “And so have you. But never together.” His heart crashed in his chest. If he couldn’t get through talking about it, he’d never be able to do it.

  “So now you want to know what turns me on?”

  His mouth became a desert. He bit his tongue to make things work. “It would hel
p.”

  She laughed. Maybe it was more of a snicker. “Shane Callahan, looking for a cheat sheet. I never would’ve expected that. I thought Casanovas like you just knew what to do. Maybe explored your way through being a master of women’s bodies.”

  As she joked, she opened up, kicking her legs out and leaning back on the couch.

  “I can explore with the best of them. I was trying to take it easy on you.”

  “I think I can handle you.”

  This was where they were comfortable—flirting and kidding—but he knew it wouldn’t be enough to get them through. “Seriously. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I assume kissing is okay?”

  She shot him a look. “Of course.”

  “Anywhere?”

  Her eyes popped for a second, then she nodded.

  “Favorite position?”

  “I don’t have one.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “I’m not the same person I was years ago. I need to discover who I am now. I don’t want to give you a checklist to follow. It would be too confining.” Her face became stern and she pretended to hold a paper and pen. “Kissed neck. Check. Fondled breasts. Check.” She dropped her hands. “I want it to be natural.”

  Natural. Like it was natural to have sex with his best friend. But she had a point. He’d never needed a list with any other woman he’d been with, and he hadn’t received any complaints. He was so worried about damaging Maggie after she’d come so far.

  “Okay. You win. Natural it is.”

  She jumped up from the couch. “Should I get naked here, or are we going to the bedroom?”

  His lungs forgot how to operate. Every fantasy he’d ever entertained about being with Maggie flashed through his head.

  Suddenly, she was doubled over laughing. “If you could see your face.” She slapped her thigh. “Crap, Shane, even I know it wouldn’t be natural for us to strip down this second.”

  “Funny,” he finally managed.

  “I so got you. Master jokester. That’s me.” She began to dance around.

  He slapped her ass playfully. “Better watch it.”

  She straightened. “Hmmm . . . I don’t know if that should be on the no or go list.”

  “What?”

  She bent over slightly and stuck her ass out. “Spank me again and we’ll see if it’s okay or not.”

  He tightened his jaw as he rolled his eyes. This girl would be the death of him.

  “Lighten up, Shane. If we can’t make jokes, it’s going to get really awkward.”

  Again, she had a point. She seemed totally at ease and more like herself than he’d seen her in a long time. “You’re having a lot of fun with this.”

  “I’m finally gonna get lucky. Why wouldn’t I have fun?”

  Yeah, but no pressure. “It might not go as you plan.”

  Her whole face frowned. “True, but I have faith in you.”

  He couldn’t stop the smile. He turned to leave.

  “You don’t have to go. I promise no more jokes about getting naked.”

  He spun to face her, and she pulled up short where she had been following. “I have to wake up early for work in the morning, so I’m going to bed. When I’m ready to get you naked, trust me, there will be no jokes, and I plan to make sure I have plenty of time without worrying about work.”

  Her jaw dropped, the glimmer of mischief in her eye gone. This was no game to him, and she needed to understand that. He unlocked her door and let himself out. As he reached for his door, Janet’s opened.

  “Hey, Shane. Hold on a minute.” She disappeared back in her apartment.

  He leaned against the wall and waited. When she came back, she carried a plate. “This is for you. A welcome-to-the-neighborhood treat. Peanut butter cookies.”

  He forced a smile. He hated peanut butter but took the plate to avoid being rude. “Uh, thanks.”

  She stepped closer, again only wearing a tank and a pair of shorts. “Do you want to go downstairs and get a drink or something?”

  “Thanks for the offer, but I’m headed to bed. I have to get up early for work in the morning.”

  “Work? I thought you worked downstairs.”

  “I do. A little, but I’m a carpenter by trade, remember?” He knew they had a version of this conversation already.

  “Do you think you can do me a little favor?”

  “What?”

  “I tried turning off one of the radiators, but the knob thingy is stuck.”

  “I’ll see what I can do. Lead the way.” He followed her inside her apartment, which was crazy hot. She obviously hadn’t taken his advice and opened a window. The room was dimly lit and what he could see was overstuffed, comfy furniture and an obscene amount of pillows. Total chick place.

  “It’s over here. In the bedroom.” She shot him a look over her shoulder. “I talked to the new girl . . . Maggie. She suggested I turn off the bedroom one to control the temperature.”

  Thank you, Maggie, for putting me in a position to be in this girl’s bedroom. As if he needed to be thinking about some other woman when Maggie already filled his head. Shane sidled through the room beside the bed to the radiator. He set the plate of cookies on the dresser.

  “Can I get you something to drink while you work?”

  “Uh, no. This shouldn’t take long.” He bent over and it sounded like she sighed. He turned the knob without effort. She could’ve at least attempted to make it look difficult. “All set,” he said as he straightened.

  “Thank you so much. I’d like to buy you dinner. It’s the least I can do to thank you for your help.”

  “It’s no problem. Just being neighborly.” He moved to leave the cramped room.

  She stepped in front of him. “I’d like to see you again. For dinner, or drinks, or . . .” Her eyebrows lifted suggestively.

  “Thanks. That’s a great offer, but I’m kind of seeing someone.”

  “Shoot. Figures. I guess I’ll see you down at the bar some night. I’ll buy you a drink when you get off.”

  “Thanks.” He moved around her to leave.

  “Wait,” she called. “Your cookies.” She handed him the plate he’d left behind.

  “Thanks again.” He went across the hall to his apartment. He looked at the cookies and debated tossing them directly in the trash, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Maybe he’d take them to work. Those guys would eat anything.

  He crawled into bed and replayed his entire conversation with Maggie. He’d never in his life treated sex like a negotiation, but that’s what tonight had felt like. An important conversation because Maggie would push things, and that scared him.

  Maybe he should’ve taken Janet up on her offer for drinks or something. She could’ve taken the edge off everything he was feeling. But it wouldn’t have been right coming from Maggie’s apartment where they’d discussed having sex. He reminded himself he wasn’t dating Maggie. He was a means to an end.

  Unless he could convince her otherwise.

  Lying in bed, he used his phone to log on to the rape survivor forums he hadn’t visited in years. If anyone could offer advice, it would be those who had walked in his and Maggie’s shoes. Plenty of women survived rape and led full lives with sex. Before posting, he scrolled through existing questions and comments, hoping for the answers he needed.

  Maggie had no shot of sleeping. Her emotions had wrung her out. She’d put on a good show for Shane with flirty jokes, but he knew her well enough to know how deep parts of that conversation hit her. But his parting words continued to echo in her head.

  Every time she closed her eyes, the mystery man from her dream popped up. This time, not only did he have Shane’s face but also his voice. There was no escaping it. After a long time of tossing and turning, she gave up. She went to her living room, turned on some quiet jazz, and went to work on her photography portfolio.

  She’d decided to create a couple of different portfolios that could be used depending on the type of job s
he was going after. Some photos overlapped the two, but she kept her more artistic ones separate from the portraits. If someone wanted her to shoot their wedding, they would want to see portraits, not a random picture of a strawberry.

  As she scrolled through more of her photos—she had no idea she had taken so many—they brought back memories of her trips. Time spent with her cousins, new friends she’d made on a bus tour, gimmicky places she thought were cute. As she continued to organize them into folders, she meticulously backed them up to the cloud.

  Of course, she had no idea what the cloud was exactly, but after her cousin lost everything on her computer when her brother spilled a cup of tea on it, Maggie learned to back up everything. She would be crushed if she lost all these pictures.

  She found an image of a sunset. Simple, nothing fancy. She hadn’t Photoshopped any part of it, but it was spectacular. It had been her first full night away from home in London. She’d taken the picture with her phone and sent it to Shane.

  He’d responded with a text: It’s beautiful, like you. I miss you already.

  She couldn’t remember if she’d answered his text, but she remembered how lonely and lost she’d felt in that moment. The sunset was beautiful, but she hadn’t felt beautiful in a long time. The ache in her chest had blossomed because of her loneliness, but she also realized that even back at home, surrounded by people who loved her, she’d been lonely.

  She’d wanted to believe that trying new things away from Chicago would fix that. It hadn’t. She spent more than a year away from her family and friends, and she still wasn’t sure if she’d accomplished anything.

  But now, she was finally moving forward. Moira was helping her figure out a career. And one way or another, with Shane’s help, she would come up with a plan for her love life.

  It should’ve made her feel better, but the mass of confusion still threatened to swallow her.

  She shoved it down and focused on the task at hand. She needed a job that would offer her more than tips and compliments from drunks.

  Shane got off work, checked the schedule at the bar to see when Maggie had to work, then went upstairs to make a plan. The idea of sleeping with a woman had never stressed him out so much. At least not since he’d lost his virginity. He couldn’t just knock on her door with a bottle of wine and expect to get laid.