Hold Me Close Page 23

  She turned the dial on the iPod and smirked as she sipped her coffee. She was already dressed for work in a skirt and blouse. Her hair was pulled back tightly. She looked a little like a librarian.

  “Drink fast. I have to leave.”

  “Sure. Get me drunk and then rush me out the door in the morning. I hope you don’t treat all your overnight guests like this.”

  “You’re my brother, not a guest. If a guy offers me a screaming orgasm, I’d see no need to push him out the door. You just snore loud and take up my whole couch.”

  “Thanks for that totally unnecessary imagery.” He gulped the last of his coffee, which was still too hot and burned his throat on the way down.

  “Hey, before you leave . . .”

  He rinsed his cup and faced Alyson.

  “Give Maggie some time to think and calm down. Then go back and tell her how you really feel. Forget about the guilt and the lies and stick with the simple stuff.”

  The problem with that was nothing was simple when it came to how he felt about Maggie.

  CHAPTER 17

  Maggie couldn’t sleep for shit after her emotionally charged night. Men were stupid. She was beginning to think she’d be better off as a lesbian. Unfortunately, she really liked men. She had to work the lunch shift, but since her energy level was at antsy, she decided to spend her morning taking pictures before work.

  Being behind the camera soothed her and took her mind to other places. The temperature was finally warming up, and it was already forty degrees at six in the morning. By the afternoon, it might even hit sixty. Spring was on its way. She pulled on a light jacket and wrapped a scarf around her neck before grabbing her camera bag. By the time she was ready to walk out the door, it was six ten. Being a creature of habit, Shane left every day at six-thirty.

  If she moved fast, she wouldn’t have to worry about running into him. She opened her door, and as she locked up, the exterior door behind her opened. She turned to see Shane, wearing yesterday’s clothes.

  Well, that hadn’t taken long. He propositioned her to be a couple and promptly went out to find someone else. Men.

  Don’t engage. Do not engage.

  “Morning, Mags.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Still pissed.”

  “Beyond pissed.”

  “Couldn’t be me. I haven’t seen you since the first time I made you mad.”

  She pointed up and down his body. “Walk of shame really doesn’t look good on you.”

  He glanced down at himself, paused, then looked up at her. “It’s not like that—”

  She held up a hand. “Your business, Shane. I don’t want to hear the details.”

  “Maggie.”

  “See you later. I have things to do.” She opened the door and flew down the steps before he’d have the chance to hand her any more lies. The biggest problem was that she always wanted to believe Shane. Their relationship had been strong because of honesty.

  With the weather finally breaking, there was only one place to go: the lake. Not too many people were out because of the cold, but a few hard-core runners slapped the pavement. Maggie sat on a stone wall and aimed her camera out to the water. She’d always loved Lake Michigan. Actually, she loved any water. While she was away, she missed her family, of course, but the city itself didn’t do much for her.

  Lake Michigan, however, was something she’d longed for. From atop her cousin’s stone fence in Ireland, she could see the Shannon River far in the distance. A little sliver of water.

  But it could never compare to this. The lake changed with the seasons. Hell, it was different daily, sometimes even hourly. Today it fit how she felt.

  Dark blue, violent waves crashed against rocks. Sounds of early morning rush hour whooshed by behind her, but with a camera lens to her face, she tuned out everything in the moment.

  For over an hour she sat, then stood, and snapped shot after shot. It was colder by the lake and she hadn’t dressed for it. Her cheeks were numb. Both sets. She jogged back to her car and sat with the engine running. Still a beautiful sight.

  Her insides were knotted, and she couldn’t figure out how to loosen them. First Shane, then Eli, then Shane again. Men were idiots. Why the hell did she want one?

  She closed her eyes and remembered the feeling of being held, skin on skin, and the memory brought back the reason. Maybe she was rushing it. Having sex with Shane taught her she could, but if she’d waited, she could’ve figured it out with another guy.

  But the not knowing would’ve eaten away at her. She’d take a step back and reevaluate. She had a lot going on with starting new jobs and trying to build a career. Not seeing Shane every day would be a blessing and a disappointment. She loved living next door to him and hanging out all the time, but as long as she continued to spend all her time with him, no one else had a chance.

  She drove back to O’Leary’s and changed for work. Just as she put on her apron, her phone buzzed with a text. Against her better judgment, she looked at the screen. It was from Eli.

  I was a total ass last night. I’m sorry. You took me off guard and I didn’t know how to respond to what you said. Please forgive me. Can I see you again?

  Maggie snorted and rolled her eyes. No one knows how to respond to that conversation. Hell, she barely knew how to have that conversation. Then she sighed. The whole thing was difficult. And he was apologizing. Maybe he deserved another chance.

  If for no other reason, she could get a good reading on their chemistry now that he knew her whole story. I get off at 7. Meet me at work and we’ll have a drink.

  As soon as she hit send, she began to think she would need a drink.

  Maggie kept busy working her shift to forget all men. When she met with Eli tonight, she would put the brakes on whatever they had going. Maybe. She feared walking away from something that had potential simply because the timing was off. At seven o’clock, she began clearing her tables and closing out her orders.

  No sign of Eli. Although he hadn’t responded to her text, she’d assumed he’d come. By seven fifteen she was ready to give up on him, and he strode through the door. Like he had the previous time they met, he scanned the entire bar, completely overlooking her. Why did it always take him so long to notice her? She waved to draw his attention.

  As he walked over, she called to the bartender, “Hey, Jenna, can you get me a couple of beers? Put them on my tab.”

  Jenna nodded.

  Eli stood beside her. “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  “I’m glad you got my message and can forgive my attitude.”

  “Well, I didn’t say that I forgive you. I simply invited you out for a beer.”

  He touched her hand. “The invitation felt like forgiveness.”

  Jenna handed Maggie the beers. Maggie took them and led the way to the back of the bar to find a table. They sat and Maggie took a drink. She had no idea what to say. She wasn’t even sure why she’d invited him here.

  Liar. You’re still looking for some magic.

  “So. About what you told me. I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I get it. I wasn’t trying to imply that what that guy did was okay. It was a lot to take in at once.”

  “I know. And that’s part of why I offered to have a drink with you. I dumped a lot on you that you weren’t expecting.” She drank more beer. This was almost more uncomfortable than their last conversation.

  “Where does this leave us?”

  “I’m not sure. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I’m starting a new career. Working my way up from the bottom in a few ways. And I still have a lot of issues.”

  “Are you breaking it off with me?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I’m ready for a relationship, but it has to go slow, and even then, I’m not sure. The truth is, I’m not sure of much in my life right now.” Another drink for courage and she lowered her voice. “The other part of why I wanted to meet you was to check our chemistry. I mean, if it’s n
ot there, it would be silly to continue, right?”

  He sat back in his chair and blew out a whistling breath. “You didn’t feel it? Even out in the alley the other day?”

  She cringed. Was she being a bitch right now? She was just trying to be honest. “I thought so, but I’ve been distracted.” Mostly by Shane, if she was being totally honest, which was completely unfair to Eli. Eli hadn’t lied to her and tried to manipulate her.

  Eli leaned forward again, this time scooting his chair closer to her. “Are you done being distracted?”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I think so.” She sure damn hoped so.

  He touched her hair, smoothing it back behind her ear, and then cupped the back of her neck. He drew her in and his lips closed over hers.

  The kiss was gentle, nice even, but stirred nothing in her. Much to her dismay, her mind conjured yet more images of Shane. Damn it.

  Eli’s tongue swept into her mouth and she almost gagged. Not a good response. He pulled away with a frown. “It’s not working.”

  She shook her head, afraid any more words would just come out sounding mean.

  “Damn. That’s too bad. I really like you.”

  “I like you too.” She sighed and reached for her beer. “Maybe our timing is off. Another place, another time.”

  He slid from his chair. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

  She nodded and watched him walk away. After chugging the rest of her beer, she cleared the table and climbed the stairs to her apartment. Once inside, she took a bottle of beer from her fridge and started drinking.

  As much as Shane wanted to follow Alyson’s advice and leave Maggie alone, he needed his computer. Trying to hunt for an apartment on his phone was unbearable. He needed to find a place fast or he’d have to move into his parents’ house. He expected an e-mail from the department any day, which meant he had to be ready for his final interview.

  Maggie had to work the day shift and she hadn’t been home when he checked earlier, so he’d packed the last of the things he wouldn’t need to access. At eight-thirty, he went to check again. Even if she got caught late or stayed to eat dinner before coming upstairs, she should be home by now.

  He knocked on the door and heard some fumbling in the apartment.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s me.”

  “Me who?”

  He sighed. He wasn’t in the mood for games. “Maggie, you can stay pissed for as long as you want. Just give me my computer, and I’ll leave you alone.”

  The door swung open and Maggie stared at him with a goofy look on her face. “Shane. Why didn’t you just say it was you?”

  “Who else would knock and assume you’d recognize his voice?”

  She stepped back from the door.

  “I need my computer.”

  “Shit. I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

  “I don’t need to keep it. I need to use it to look for an apartment. You can use it until you’re ready for a new one.” He walked past her and noticed the empty beer bottles on the table. Did she have a guest? “Am I interrupting something?”

  She laughed and stumbled back to the couch. “Just a pity party.”

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Almost. The upside to not drinking for five years is that you lose your tolerance. Only a few beers in and I’ll be good and drunk.” She picked up a bottle and drained it.

  He hated seeing her like this. “What happened?”

  She blew a raspberry. “Life. My sucky life.”

  He sat beside her and waited.

  “I met with Eli. Oh, wait. You don’t know the first part. Yesterday, I told him I’d been raped, and he pretty much discounted what I said. Like because Todd was my ex, it wasn’t really rape.”

  Shane’s blood began to boil. “Fuck him.”

  Maggie held up a wobbly hand. “That’s what I said. But then he texted me and apologized.”

  Shane clamped his jaw shut. Maggie was too nice. How could she not see that a guy like Eli didn’t deserve her?

  “So I had him come to the bar tonight for a drink. We talked. He said he felt bad.” She picked up an empty bottle and held it up to the light, then pushed off the couch. “Want one?”

  He shook his head. Drinking when he felt like this wouldn’t be a smart move.

  She staggered to the kitchen and brought back two bottles. He waited patiently for her to continue.

  “So me and Eli, we talked. He wanted to keep going out, but I told him I wasn’t sure about our chemistry.”

  Shane couldn’t hold back the snort. Maggie shoved his shoulder. No matter how fucked up things had gotten, this was how it was supposed to be between them.

  “That was pretty much Eli’s reaction, but I was distracted when I was with him.”

  “Distracted?”

  She mumbled something, and Shane leaned closer. “I didn’t catch that.”

  “I was distracted by you, okay? You gave me my first real orgasm in years and it was amazing. Every time Eli made a move, I thought about you.”

  As it should be. His chest puffed. Although he didn’t say the words, he let his smile speak for him.

  “This isn’t funny. We had sex as an experiment just to see if I could. That’s it. It’s not supposed to mean anything else.” Her arms flailed as she spoke, and he took the bottle of beer from her.

  “So what if it does?”

  “It can’t. It was sex. Great sex.” She scooted closer to him. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind having more of that. But that’s all it’ll be.”

  He held her hand. “Why?”

  “So many reasons.” She waved her hand in front of his face, attempting to tick off her points. “We’re friends and I don’t want to complicate that. You tried to manipulate me. And you used good sex to do it.”

  “No, I didn’t. Was I supposed to offer bad sex?”

  “No, I mean yesterday. You started talking about being a couple.”

  “That’s what I want.”

  “No, you don’t. You just want to control me.”

  “No one can control you. I know that.”

  She closed her eyes. “I forgot how horny I get when I drink. I think we should have sex again. See if it’s still as good now that I know I can do it.”

  “No.”

  “No, what?”

  “I’m not sleeping with you, Maggie.”

  “I’m not talking about sleeping. I’m talking about fucking.”

  “Using crass terms isn’t going to change what we have, what we did.” He stood. “You need to go to sleep. Where’s my laptop?”

  “Whatever. You wouldn’t be able to get it right anyway.”

  “Excuse me?”

  She stood and pointed at him. “Yeah, the sex was good. But you know what I really want, Shane? I want a guy who’s going to take charge, make demands, not treat me like I’m fragile.”

  But she was fragile. She didn’t want to be. More than anything else, he understood that.

  She disappeared into the bedroom and returned a minute later with his laptop in hand, wearing nothing but her bra and panties.

  “Want to give it another try?”

  “Nope.”

  Her face fell. “Why not? You’ve slept with tons of girls just for sex.”

  “Because you’re not some girl.”

  “I could be.”

  “No.” He felt like he was dangling from a thread and no matter which way he twisted or turned, he couldn’t find solid ground.

  She waved her hands down in front of her body. “Well, I bet I could find someone downstairs who could accommodate me.”

  “Don’t go there. You’re not leaving this apartment tonight. If I need to park my ass in front of your door, you’re staying put.”

  She giggled. “I’m just joking. I’m not that drunk. I want you to treat me like a nobody for tonight.”

  He lost the slight control he had on his temper. “You could never fucking be a nobody to me. I love you, Maggie.”

 
“I love you too.”

  “I’m in love with you. I have been for longer than I can remember. I thought I could sleep with you once, give you what you needed, and then go back. But you won’t let it. It’s all or nothing, Maggie. We’re either a couple or we’re friends. There’s no in between.”

  The look on her face was total confusion. She stared at him, mouth hanging open, looking sexy as hell in her underwear. So he left.

  Frustration fueled his every movement and it wasn’t until he was back in his apartment that he realized he still didn’t get his computer.

  Maggie watched Shane leave, and she wanted to cry. Beyond the anger, he looked so down, like she’d crushed him. What the hell was he thinking? She supposed it was her own fault by asking him to have sex with her, but how could he think they should risk their entire friendship based on one night in bed?

  It was more than that, the annoying little voice in her head said. No, it couldn’t be. He was just a guy thinking with his dick. Once he found some other girl to sleep with, he’d forget all about sex with her. This made the most sense, and she knew it. She’d done plenty of impulsive things in her life, and maybe asking Shane to sleep with her was one of them, but she tried to learn from her mistakes.

  She couldn’t imagine her life without Shane. Part of her could imagine life without sex. She’d been living that life. But life without Shane was unfathomable.

  She glanced down at her scantily clad body and sighed. She set his laptop on the kitchen counter. Time for another beer. What the hell was wrong with her?

  As she popped the top on her last bottle, she decided she’d see Shane tomorrow and apologize for trying to jump him. If he could forget they ever slept together, so could she. She couldn’t risk losing her best friend.

  With her beer bottle as company, she wobbled to her bed and collapsed. She would regret this tomorrow, but for the moment, she enjoyed a little oblivion.

  When Maggie woke the following morning, her tongue felt glued to the roof of her mouth. This was one side effect of drinking she hadn’t missed. Not one iota. In the bathroom, she drank a glass of water and swallowed a couple aspirin. After brushing her teeth twice, she still felt gross, but staying in the bathroom all day wasn’t an option.