Hold Me Close Read online

  Dr. Janzen tilted her head, readying whatever her next thought was, but Maggie cut her off.

  “You taught me exposure might be good. Face down my triggers. It might help me get over it.”

  “Maggie, this isn’t something to get over. And when we talk about exposure, it’s controlled, not overwhelming yourself with possible triggers.”

  “It’s been almost five years. I shouldn’t be living the life of a nun. I want to be a normal twenty-six year old. I want to have boyfriends and go out drinking with friends. I’m tired of this weight hanging around me.”

  “I understand. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” She sipped her coffee.

  Maggie smiled. The woman did know her pretty well. “I promised Shane I would talk to you before speaking to Ryan. I think he hoped you would talk me out of it.”

  “I think I know you well enough to know when you’ll listen.”

  Maggie twirled the ring on her right hand. “Do you think it’ll work?”

  “It depends on what your goal is. Do I think working and living at your family’s bar will make having sex any easier? No. It might help you deal with that location and the memories there, though. I would suggest that instead of jumping into a job, you just go to the bar. Have dinner, spend some time, and see how you feel.”

  She could do that. It had actually been her plan. She needed to know she could be in the bar before she could work there.

  “What about sex? I feel ready to move on.”

  “If you’re truly ready to move on and have a sexual relationship, you’ll be able to have that conversation with the man. If you’re not comfortable enough with him to share your past, then you aren’t going to be comfortable having sex with him.”

  Maggie sat there, a little stunned. She felt like her therapist just told her to grow up. She’d tried to tell Ian about her rape, but it never quite came out right. He was a constant distraction, making her smile and laugh. They’d never been serious together. It was part of why she’d liked him so much.

  Shane ran tape over the box as he packed the last of his things before moving in over O’Leary’s. He hated moving. His phone buzzed with a text.

  Help! Need an escape. Family driving me crazy.

  Nothing like a little Maggie melodrama to break his boredom. On my way.

  He didn’t know what they were doing to make her crazy, but he didn’t care much either. He knew a lot of what she disliked was stuff she brought on herself. It was a little of the crazy she dished out coming back at her.

  By the time he parked down the block from her mom’s house, the sun was long gone and the streetlights had clicked on. Most families were huddled in their homes having dinner. He walked toward the house, studying the neighborhood. He’d been here plenty over the years and it was comfortable, a home away from home. These neighbors were a little nosier than his, though.

  Suddenly, something pelted his shoulder. Barely more than a sting, but enough to get his attention. He looked around for whatever kid had thrown the snowball, but saw no one. Then he heard the snicker and knew it had been Maggie. He bent over, scooped some snow, and formed it into a tight ball. Walking a few more steps, he listened for her.

  She popped around from behind a tree, sailing a snowball past his head.

  “Nice try.” Then he threw his, nailing her thigh.

  Unfortunately, she had a small arsenal by the tree trunk. She must’ve been waiting outside for him for a while. She turned and then fired again, swinging wildly with double-fisted ammunition. He began throwing half-formed balls to slow her assault as he rushed her position.

  When she saw him coming, she squealed and ran, abandoning her post and her cache. He took her spot and began using her own snowballs against her. As each one pinged off her back, she yelped. Two houses down, she raised her hands in surrender.

  “Okay, you win.” She huffed and bent over, bracing her hands on her knees. “I quit.”

  He approached with a wide smile. He liked winning. When he came up to her, he patted her back. “It’s okay, Magpie. Not everyone can be an athlete.”

  In a blink, she rose up and shoved a handful of snow down the front of his shirt. Damn, it was cold. It immediately melted against his warm skin and dripped a cool river that pooled at his waistband.

  She took off running again. This time, her laughter echoed in her wake. It was such a good sound to hear that he stood for a moment and just absorbed it, allowed it to captivate his entire being.

  But her taunt pulled him out of his bubble of enjoyment.

  “Sucker!”

  He knew he was, but he’d never admit it to her. He ran after her again, quickly gaining ground. Her harsh “Oh, fuck” whooshed out just before he tackled her in the snow. He grabbed a handful of snow and rubbed it on her face. She yelped and squealed.

  Shane kept her pinned to the ground but gave her a minute to catch her breath. She blinked rapidly, knocking snowflakes from her lids and lashes. Instead of being pissed, she smiled up at him. “Okay, you win.”

  “Nice try.”

  “What do you mean?” Her eyes went wide as if she were some innocent kid.

  He held up another ball of snow and reached for her shirt. Her hand slapped down on her collar. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Of course I would. Fair’s fair.”

  “But I said you won. I give up.”

  “And I know better.”

  With her other hand, she shoved at his torso. “Get up, you’re squishing me.”

  In truth, he probably was, but he didn’t want to give her an inch. Maggie was the type of girl who’d run away with a mile if he did. She finally flopped her arms out wide in surrender. “I give up. You win. For real this time.”

  Watching her capitulate stirred some unwelcome feelings. He jumped off her and held out a hand to help her up. She eyed him through narrow slits. “What’s your game?”

  “Nothing. Truce.”

  She placed her hand in his, which felt natural, and tugged at those same unwelcome desires. He yanked her to standing. Her face was lit with a smile. Unfortunately for her, she was a little too smug. He scooped her shirt open at the top and dumped in a handful of snow. Her sharp intake of breath gave him great satisfaction.

  “Never underestimate your opponent,” he said, and then turned to take off.

  He’d only gotten a few steps when Maggie launched herself onto his back. She squeezed his neck tightly and wrapped her legs around his hips. “You called a truce!”

  “Yeah, and you fell for it. Now we’re even.”

  Instead of another jab, she rubbed the top of his head. “I’ve missed this.”

  The friendly gesture settled him back to where he should be.

  “Me too.” He continued to walk back toward his truck with her on his back. “You want to tell me what your family did now?”

  As he unlocked his truck, she slid off his back. “Just the usual.”

  “You’ve been in Ireland for over a year. How is anything usual?”

  She climbed into the cab of the truck and waited for him to get behind the steering wheel. “They treat me like a little kid. They fawn all over me like I’ve just recovered from a terminal illness, but then they tiptoe around me. It’s annoying.”

  He started the truck and asked, “Where to?”

  “Anywhere but here.” She stared out the windshield. Her cheeks were red from the cold and the snow. Her laughter was gone, and he wanted it back.

  “Dinner?”

  “Sure.”

  Because she didn’t offer an opinion about where to go, Shane just drove. She had something on her mind, something more than her family hovering. When he pulled into the parking lot of their favorite hot dog stand, she sighed.

  “How’d you know?”

  “Everyone knows you can’t get a decent hot dog outside Chicago. Plus you look like you could use some fries and a chocolate shake.”

  Her smile returned for a flash. As he reached to open his door, she grabbed
his arm. “Wait.”

  He stopped.

  “Todd’s getting out.”

  His entire body hardened. He despised hearing that asshole’s name on her lips. He said nothing because he didn’t want to lie about Ryan already telling him.

  “Ryan got the letter informing me while I was gone.” The muscle in her jaw twitched, and she nodded as if to answer some thought in her head.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I guess. It’s not like I thought he’d be in jail forever. I knew this day would come. What really annoyed me is that Ryan knew—shit, my whole family probably knew—and no one told me. They’re all so afraid I’m going to break. I’m stronger than that.”

  “Mags, I’m sure—”

  She shook her head. “Please don’t defend them.”

  How could she not know how difficult it was for all of them? Todd had broken her. He’d stolen a piece of her. “They worry about you, but they don’t think you’re going to break.”

  “Yeah, they do. They all take this placating tone with me. Damn, my mother still can’t say that I was raped. Like saying the word itself gives it more power or something.” She squeezed his hand. “That’s why I needed to see you. You make me feel normal. We’re just regular friends hanging out.”

  Even though a bit of guilt sat on his chest, he squeezed her hand in return. “I’m up for a snowball fight anytime.”

  Maggie spent the next two days visiting old friends and trying to figure out how to talk to Ryan. If she had a choice, she’d ask another sibling, but Ryan still ran the bar. Colin could probably hire her, but if they went behind Ryan’s back, it would cause more tension between Colin and Ryan. The two of them finally seemed to have worked things out, and she didn’t want to be the cause of fresh problems. So it had to be Ryan.

  Her friend from the neighborhood, Olivia, offered to meet her for lunch at the bar. Maggie figured having a friend would be a good buffer.

  She sat in her car in the parking lot of O’Leary’s and stared at the oak doors. She took a deep breath and felt the inside of her car cooling off since she’d cut the engine. The air outside was bitter cold, icing over all the piles of snow. Maybe she should’ve waited until spring to come home.

  Spring in Chicago was happy and warm and fun. Winter? Not so much.

  She took another deep breath. If she couldn’t even do this much, how could she expect to work here?

  It’s just a door. Just a bar, like any other bar. She’d been to plenty of pubs while in Ireland. She could do this. She opened the door of her car and almost crept back in her seat when a blast of frigid air hit her.

  A sudden knock on the window her made her jump. Olivia.

  Maggie looked through the open door, and Olivia asked, “You okay?”

  She nodded and climbed out of the car.

  “Come on. It’s freezing out here.” She slipped her arm around Maggie’s elbow and tugged her toward the bar. “I missed you so much. I want to hear all about Europe. I’m sure the pictures you sent didn’t do anything justice.”

  Before she knew it, Olivia was swinging them through the heavy wood doors and into the bar. The interior was dimmer than she remembered, but the sounds and the smells reminded her of her childhood. The lunch crowd filled much of the bar space, but the conversation remained quiet.

  Maggie took a moment and stared at the surrounding dark wood and waited for the bad feelings to wash over her, for something to trigger the panic. But it didn’t.

  Olivia ran her hand up and down Maggie’s arm. “Good?” she whispered.

  Maggie nodded and said, “Yeah, I think so.” She walked to the bar and sat on a stool. The woman behind the counter wasn’t someone she recognized, not that she should since she hadn’t been there in so long, but she hoped to see Mary, the manager. This woman’s name tag said Jenna.

  Jenna faced Maggie and Olivia. “Hi. What can I get you?”

  “Hi. I’m Maggie O’Leary. Is my brother Ryan here?”

  Jenna’s eyebrows wrinkled. “Uh . . . yeah. I’ll go get him.” She backed away from the bar and went to get Ryan.

  “What was that about?” Olivia asked.

  “She probably didn’t know Ryan had another sister. If she’s been here any length of time she’s probably met all the O’Learys. Except me.” She took off her jacket and hung it on the back of her stool.

  Olivia reached a little farther down the bar and picked up a menu. “So what’s good?”

  Maggie leaned closer. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Even when I worked here, I hardly ate anything. We’ll ask Ryan.”

  While Olivia scanned the menu, Maggie looked around, trying to see what had changed. She saw nothing different. Was it possible that nothing had changed in five years?

  “Maggie?”

  At the sound of Ryan’s voice, she spun in her chair. “Hey.”

  His face filled with worry. “You’re here.”

  “Yeah. I thought it was about time.”

  His mouth opened and then closed. “Are you okay?”

  She hopped off her stool. “I’m good. I thought it would be harder, but it’s kind of like walking into any other bar. Except this one has some great memories.”

  “And some not great ones.”

  “You know, I still don’t remember much from that night. I thought walking in here might trigger something, but as I’m sitting here, I’m remembering good times.” She turned and pointed toward the back of the bar. “Like the time Shane played darts with Michael after work and they’d both had too much to drink. Shane’s dart flew across the room and nailed Michael in the arm.”

  Remembering that night made Maggie smile. Michael had been cursing a blue streak, and Shane had doubled over laughing. Maggie had to yank the dart from Michael’s arm. She remembered it wobbling as Michael yelled at Shane for his poor aim.

  Then she turned to the end of the bar. “Or the time Shane and I played beer pong and busted the mirror.”

  Ryan crossed his arms. “When exactly did that happen?”

  Maggie smiled and kissed his cheek. “Sorry. Thought you knew.”

  “So what brings you here? Other than to tell me all the juvenile things you’ve done in my bar.”

  “Olivia and I came for lunch. What’s good?”

  “Everything’s good, of course.”

  “Spoken like a true business owner.” She sat back on the stool.

  Ryan nodded to Olivia. “Hi, Olivia. How are you? I don’t think I’ve seen you since the block party.”

  “I’m good. Finally moved out and into my own apartment. Still bring my laundry home, though.”

  “Well, I have work to do, but you two enjoy lunch on me.” He bent over and kissed Maggie’s head. “Come find me if you need me.”

  “I’ll be okay.” She watched Ryan walk away. Jenna returned and handed her a menu.

  “Can I start you off with a drink?”

  “Just a Coke for me,” Maggie said.

  “Me too,” Olivia added.

  When Jenna left to pour their drinks, Olivia asked, “So you’re really okay?”

  “Yeah. It’s weird because I feel totally normal. Like I keep waiting for it to hit, but nothing. Like I told Ryan, I’m just remembering the good times.”

  Jenna returned with their Cokes, and both Maggie and Olivia ordered burgers. For the next couple of hours, Maggie sat in her family’s bar and hung out with an old friend. They laughed and shared stories and caught up.

  By the time they were ready to put on their coats and brave the cold again, Maggie finally felt as if she had come home. Only the nagging feelings about why she’d stayed away remained.

  CHAPTER 3

  Shane walked through his new apartment. Not that it really qualified as a living space. Every wall had been gutted. At least they’d gotten around to insulating the walls. Otherwise he’d be able to see his breath. He walked to the nearest radiator and touched. No heat, which wasn’t a huge surprise. The pipes would probably need to be bled.
That would be the top priority.

  A stack of drywall sat in the corner waiting to be hung. He flipped a switch and a bare bulb in the ceiling lit. In the bathroom, he found all new fixtures installed. He turned the tap and water flowed. As long as the plumbing and electric were complete, the rest would be easy for him.

  He’d have to talk to Ryan about the kitchen and what he wanted done there, and when Ryan would be able to order the materials. His dad could probably use his contractor’s discount to get Ryan a deal. He didn’t know why Ryan hadn’t asked his dad to come in and do the work.

  Then again, the only time he saw Ryan was while he was with Maggie, and in those cases, Ryan would never bring up the bar.

  He turned and sat on the stack of drywall. What the hell had he gotten himself into? This would be like juggling a third job. College had been hard enough when he had to go to class and work nights here. Now he’d have to work with his dad, work at the bar, and squeeze in time to finish this place.

  His best hope was that Ryan would schedule Maggie for only a couple of nights a week. He watched the remaining bit of his social life slip away.

  But Maggie was home and she was safe.

  As he had the thought his phone rang, and without looking at the screen he knew it was Maggie. He pulled the phone from his pocket. He was right. “Hey.”

  “I did it.”

  He heard the smile in her voice. “Did what?”

  “I went to O’Leary’s for lunch today with Olivia.”

  Shane’s muscles tensed.

  “I talked with Dr. Janzen, and she suggested what I planned anyway. Just go to the bar to see if I would have any reaction. And you know what? Nothing. At least nothing bad. I sat there and remembered nothing but good times.”

  He smiled. “I’m glad. Did you talk to Ryan about coming to work?”

  “Not yet. I’m going to wait until Sunday dinner with the family.”

  Good. He had time to get moved in and settled. Hopefully with walls. Looked like he knew what he’d be doing this weekend. He stood.

  “What are you doing tonight? I want to celebrate.”