Under Your Skin Page 5

  “Sit tight for a few minutes and it’ll pass.”

  Norah forced a smile and prayed Caitlyn was right. A hot flash would disappear, but she wasn’t as sure about the feeling she got when Kai looked at her.

  * * *

  Kai was miserable. Practice had barely taken the edge off his irritation. He wished his mom would just yell and bitch like other women. Instead, she made small comments he was supposed to read something into. And that didn’t even touch on him trying to understand her pain or what he could do to make her feel better.

  Jaleesa had tried to reassure him that he’d be fine, but he had doubts. A lot of them. He changed after practice and checked his phone. Jaleesa texted to let him know Mom was in bed asleep. He looked at his teammates who were all getting ready to go to McGinty’s. One beer wouldn’t make him too late.

  He walked into the bar and sought out the rest of his team. The guys with wives and girlfriends had pushed together a few tables. The single guys held back, some sitting at the bar, others at tables, mostly waiting to see if they’d pick up company for the night. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option for him.

  Sitting on a stool, he set his phone on the bar in case his mom called. He ordered a beer and when the bartender turned, he added a shot. If he was only staying for one, he wanted it to count. As he waited for his drink, something shifted, drawing his attention. Norah. No way would he acknowledge her. He didn’t understand why she kept showing up in his life.

  The girl, however, couldn’t take a hint and sat on the stool beside him. The bartender set down his drinks and Kai downed the shot.

  “Hi. Buy me a drink?”

  His gaze slid to her belly.

  She rolled her eyes. “A Sprite. Why does everyone feel the need to do that? Look at my stomach. As if there’s some chance I might forget I’m pregnant.”

  Kai waved the bartender over so she could order. Then he slid money on the bar to pay for the drinks.

  “Thanks. Interesting game.”

  He sipped his beer and looked at her. He had no idea what game she was playing. If she were his woman, there’d be no way she’d be sitting in a bar chatting up some other dude. Pregnant or not, but definitely if she were carrying his child.

  His woman. His child. The alcohol hadn’t even hit his system yet, but he was thinking like a drunk.

  “Shouldn’t you be with your brothers?”

  “They’re hitting on some girls at the other end of the bar.”

  “Maybe it’s time for you to go home.”

  She twisted on the stool and swirled her straw in her drink. “Did I do something to piss you off?”

  “No.” Another drink of beer.

  Norah stared at him as if she were waiting for more information. Caitlyn stepped up to the bar and ordered a pitcher. “Hey, Kai, Norah. Tommy was saying something about you going back to school. How much more do you have left?”

  “About a year, maybe a year and a half depending what credits will transfer, but then I’ll have my nursing degree.”

  The bartender slid a pitcher over to Caitlyn. She paid him and turned back to Norah. “Better not let the guys know. It’s hard enough getting them to go to the doctor when they get hurt. If they know you’re a nurse, they’ll use it as an excuse to never get checked out.”

  Caitlyn left with the pitcher, but her conversation stayed with Kai. This girl was going to be a nurse. If she weren’t pregnant, she’d be the answer to his problems. She needed a job and he could pay her to take care of Lani. But she was pregnant, and if that wasn’t bad enough, every time she saw him she flirted. He didn’t need any part of that.

  He chugged the rest of his beer and stood.

  “Leaving so soon?” Norah asked.

  “Yeah.” As he walked through the bar, he felt her eyes on him. He needed to get as far from her as possible, especially when he started thinking about giving her access to his life.

  He’d had a hard enough time reconciling playing hockey with Tommy and then hiring him at the studio. In his world, things were separate, distinct. It was how he’d been able to function for years. People from the studio—clients, employees—never saw him outside the shop. He never brought his childhood friends anywhere, only the poker game in his basement. Hockey was team time.

  If all the parts bled together and he fucked something up, his entire world would implode. Having Norah tag along at hockey was more than enough when he’d already seen her at the studio and she talked about getting a tattoo. He didn’t need her in his home as well.

  He drove home and crawled into bed. Even though his mom was sound asleep, not making any noise, the presence of another person in his house set him on edge. It was like he could hear her dreaming and breathing and taking up his space. He punched his pillow and rolled over. He knew he was being ridiculous.

  “Kai.”

  He rolled over and pulled his pillow over his ear before he heard it again.

  “Kai!”

  Then it registered that his mom was calling. He shot out of bed and ran to her room. Fuck. It was still dark outside. “What is it, Mom? Are you okay?”

  “I need the bathroom and the stupid cane fell out of my reach. I can’t get up.”

  Even though he didn’t want to, he flipped on the light, momentarily blinding them both. He blinked and looked around for the cane. Bringing the cane to her, he offered his arm to get her out of bed.

  “I can do it,” she said, but they both knew it was a lie.

  He helped her from the bed. She hobbled from the room and he sank onto the edge of the mattress to wait for her to come back. He’d wanted to follow her to the bathroom to make sure she didn’t fall, but he knew it would piss her off.

  Sleep tugged at him while he sat and it took all of his control to not lie back. Finally, Lani came shuffling back into the room.

  “Go to bed. I’m fine.”

  “Lees got you a bedpan if you need it for the middle of the night. You know, in case I’m not here.”

  She sniffed. “Like you have somewhere better to be at three in the morning. I’m not an invalid. I’ve no use for a bedpan.”

  He nearly sighed because he hated the idea of a bedpan almost as much as she did. “Do you need more pain meds?”

  “I’m fine. Just tired. Now get out of my bed.”

  He stood and held her elbow to help get her in. She didn’t try to shake him off this time and he wondered how much pain she was in.

  Once she was settled, he stumbled back to his room and tried not to think about how many more nights like this he had in store.

  * * *

  Norah sat at the table tapping her fingers and then her toes and then played with the napkin dispenser. She’d spoken to Teagan, but had no idea what she looked like. Glancing around the small coffee shop, Norah took note that she was the only pregnant woman, so at least she was easy for the adoption counselor to spot.

  A small tap on her shoulder and she turned.

  “Norah?”

  Norah moved to stand, but Teagan waved her off and took the seat across from her.

  “Hi,” Norah said, and clasped her hands in her lap beneath her belly. “I’m really nervous.”

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about. I’m here to offer information. You don’t have to decide anything today. We’re just two girls talking.”

  Teagan’s response calmed Norah’s racing heart. The waitress came over and Teagan ordered a cup of coffee. Norah stuck with water.

  “Tell me about yourself.”

  Words came flooding out. “I’ve been living in Boston for almost ten years. My mom was killed when I was a baby and when my oldest brother, Jimmy, joined the army, everyone thought it would be best for me to live with my aunt. This past year, I was in college. I met a boy and fell for him and got knocked up. I thought I was being careful. I’d been on the pill. After months of pretending it wasn’t real, I came home.” Her rambling caused a surge of embarrassment. She drank a gulp of water. “I didn’t know what to d
o.”

  “You have options, and that’s what I’m here for.”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to be a mother, so maybe adoption is right for me.”

  “I can help you with whatever you choose. If it’s lack of readiness, we can get you into parenting classes. We can find you a mentor.”

  “It’s not just the parenting. I haven’t finished college. I don’t have a job. I don’t really have support.” She immediately thought of Jimmy, but it wasn’t his job to support her child. “I don’t feel ready because I haven’t lived my life yet. I don’t think I can give what a baby needs.”

  “I can help with finding a job, getting financial support. Help you find a lawyer to get child support. However, if you want to talk about an adoption plan, we can go over that too.”

  “My family is better than I make them sound. My brother Jimmy would take care of me and the baby, but I don’t want him to have to. It’s more than money and jobs. I don’t feel like a mom.” Because of this, she felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with her. Most women would be cooing over little pajamas and baby strollers. She hadn’t even looked at one.

  “Right now, I think the only thing holding me back from jumping at adoption is guilt. I spent a lot of time on your Web site. I like the idea of an open adoption. I don’t want my baby to feel abandoned.” Tears filled her eyes with the thought. She knew that feeling too well.

  Teagan reached across the table and held her hand. “We’ll work toward whatever makes you comfortable. This is about you making the best choice for you and the baby, not assigning guilt or blame.”

  Norah didn’t know what she had been expecting. Maybe someone berating her for stupidly getting pregnant without a plan. Maybe someone telling her she should give her baby away. But she hadn’t expected someone to hold her hand and tell her it would be okay. Surprisingly, it made a hell of a difference.

  “Tell me how open adoption works. I read about some of it online, but if I decide on adoption, what happens?”

  “We talk, like we are now, about what you want and what you expect, both in adoptive parents and life after adoption. Then we try to find a match.” She sipped her coffee, but still held Norah’s hand.

  “What if I change my mind?”

  “After you have the baby, by law you have to wait three days to make the adoption official. It gives you time and space to reconsider. You can take all the time you need.”

  “What about the baby’s father?”

  “Do you know who he is and how to reach him?”

  Norah nodded.

  “We’ll contact him and ask for a waiver. If he refuses, adoption is still possible. It will take longer and there’s more paperwork to make it legal. It’s easiest if he’s on board.”

  “I get to choose where the baby goes? Like someone here in Chicago?”

  “You would go through profiles we have on adoptive parents, and then you can choose to meet some. The choice is completely up to you.”

  Norah drained her water glass. There was so much to this.

  “There’s no hurry. You have time to think about what you want for you and the baby as well as what your expectations are. I’m only a phone call away at any time.”

  Norah stared into Teagan’s dark brown eyes. Her wildly curly hair bounced around her shoulders as she talked and offered reassurance. She was pretty and confident and knew what she was talking about. Norah vaguely remembered feeling that way herself.

  Over these past few months, she lost herself somewhere. She was starting to come back, though. After a few weeks in her family’s house, surrounded by her brothers and helping with their dad, she had started to feel normal again.

  “You’ll probably think of more questions, so feel free to give me a call. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “Unless you can make this decision for me, no.”

  Teagan smiled. “You’ll be okay.”

  Norah wanted to believe that. Teagan paid for her coffee and left a tip on the table. Norah walked outside into the glaring sun. Teagan had given her plenty to think about. Could she give her baby to someone else and not be consumed with guilt? She wasn’t sure she had the strength to walk away, but in her gut, she felt like it was the right decision.

  * * *

  Norah sat on the front steps waiting for Jimmy. He didn’t spend many nights at home these days, but he said he’d be here when she called. He was like that. She regretted not calling him in the spring or even the beginning of summer when she left Aunt Bridget’s.

  Although she hadn’t made a definitive decision, after talking with Teagan, she felt like adoption would be a good choice. She couldn’t say she’d bonded with this baby because she’d spent most of the pregnancy in denial and fear, but she loved it on a gut level. It was something she would never be able to explain.

  She wanted what was best for the baby and she didn’t think she was it, especially as a single mother. Yeah, Jimmy would help, but it wasn’t fair to him. Tommy and Sean would mean to help, but they wouldn’t really. It wasn’t in their nature.

  A huge part of her felt like a total shit for even considering it. She’d spent years feeling abandoned by her family. They’d sent her off to live with Aunt Bridget when she was just starting puberty at a time she needed her family most. She blamed Jimmy for that. They fought about it often over the years and while she understood why Jimmy had done it, old resentments still bubbled up from time to time.

  Now she realized that Jimmy was only a couple of years younger than she was now and he’d been responsible for all of them for a long time. Who could blame him for sending her away?

  The sun was sinking off to the left, still hot enough to warm her legs and make her wonder if she’d end up with a weird burn pattern. Her ass numbed on the concrete, so she shifted her position and leaned back on her elbows. Closing her eyes, she listened to her neighborhood. Kids down the block were running through a sprinkler. Some houses had windows open and she heard the noises of dinner being made and TVs blaring. Rush hour traffic hummed in the distance.

  The sounds of Chicago weren’t that much different than those of Boston, yet it felt different here. A shadow shifted in front of her and she opened her eyes.

  “Hey, squirt.”

  She laughed at Kevin’s use of the nickname. “Not so little these days,” she said, rubbing her belly.

  He dropped a laundry bag at her feet.

  “I know you don’t think I’m washing your smelly clothes.”

  He shook his head. “Machines are still busted at my building. This is better than a Laundromat. There’s free beer.”

  He sat beside her. She waited for whatever he planned to lob at her.

  “I want this guy’s name, Norah. We’ve given you time and space, but the games have to end. This guy has a responsibility here.”

  “I know, but it’s not your problem to handle. I’m taking care of it.” She saw the barely controlled anger in his eyes. “I appreciate your concern. I know you’re worried about me, but I’m okay.”

  At least she told herself that daily, willing it to be true.

  Kevin jumped up. “This is bullshit. I’m going to call Aunt Bridget. I don’t know why Jimmy hasn’t already done that.”

  Norah shaded her eyes from the sun as she looked up at her brother. “She can’t give you what you’re looking for. She doesn’t know him. And I’m not going to have you running off to hunt him down. We did this together.”

  “I sure as fuck can blame him for not being here now.”

  “Nope. That blame is on me.”

  “But you didn’t tell him because you knew, didn’t you? Knew he’d be a useless piece of shit who wouldn’t man up. What kind of losers did Aunt Bridget let you date?”

  Norah leveraged herself off the step. “Really? I’m an O’Malley and in case you haven’t noticed, we tend to do whatever the hell we want. You guys might’ve shipped me off to Boston but you didn’t remove my DNA. Aunt Bridget couldn’t control
who I dated any more than you can control what I do now.”

  “This is bullshit.” He grabbed his laundry, gave her a dirty look, and stomped up the stairs and into the house.

  She inhaled deeply, filling her lungs as much as she could with a baby pressing on all of her vital organs. She wasn’t upset. Kevin irritated her, but she wasn’t stressed out and torn up like she’d been her first night at home when she felt like all of her brothers were ganging up on her. She handled it.

  Holding on to the rail, she lowered herself back to the step. A few minutes later, Jimmy pulled up. Part of her had been wishing he’d have Moira with him. His girlfriend was someone Norah considered an ally. She was kind of short on those these days.

  Jimmy walked up to her and held out a hand to help her up. Instead she flipped her thumb to the spot next to her. He sat, extending his legs out in front of him, the crease in his pants still visible after a day of work.

  “I think talking out here would be better. Kevin’s inside doing laundry and I pissed him off again.”

  “He’ll get over it.” Jimmy looked at her clothes.

  She tugged at the maternity top. “Moira borrowed stuff from her sister-in-law. At least now I don’t feel like an overstuffed burrito.”

  “You look good. Happier.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “Not happy, but better.”

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  Her hand automatically went to her belly again. She’d always thought it weird when pregnant women did that, but now she understood. You couldn’t really control it. “I’ve done a lot of thinking. And I called Avery—” She stopped with the realization that she let his name slip. But not even Jimmy was good enough to track him down with only a first name.

  Another deep breath in and released. Jimmy had stiffened beside her. He was better at covering his anger than Kevin, or any of the O’Malley boys for that matter.

  “I think I want to give the baby up for adoption.”

  Jimmy ran a hand over his face and then stared out at the street. He said nothing for so long that Norah couldn’t predict his response.

  “Are you sure?”

  “No.” She almost laughed. “But I talked with a counselor and discussed my options.”