Hold Me Close Read online

  “Before we pick out a show to watch, I want to talk to you about something.”

  He took a drink of his beer and watched her. “Is this the real reason you got me a six-pack?”

  “No.” She looked at a spot over his shoulder and tried to get the words right so he could understand. “You know I’ve been trying to date. And the part I was telling you about, how I’m still not all myself?” She blew out a breath, puffing her cheeks out. “I’m afraid of wasting my time. What if I find another great guy and I still can’t have sex? It’s not fair to either of us.”

  “What are you getting at, Mags?”

  “I need to know if I’m broken.”

  “You’re not.”

  She held up a hand, and when she felt it wobble she tucked it between her knees. “I might be. I just want to know.”

  He set his beer on the table and leaned closer.

  She licked her lips, closed her eyes, and jumped in. “You’re the one person I’ve always been able to count on, other than my family. I feel safe with you.”

  “I’m glad.” His hand landed on her thigh.

  She opened her eyes and looked into his. “Would you be willing to have sex with me?”

  His entire body froze. “What?”

  Shane forced air into his lungs as he listened.

  “Dr. Janzen pointed out that in order for me to feel safe enough to have sex, I need to trust the guy and he needs to know my history. I’m already there with you.”

  Shane heard the words, kind of, if he focused over the sound of his heart thundering in his ears. Maggie wanted to sleep with him?

  “I’m not looking to pressure you into any kind of commitment. It would be like an experiment. I trust you, and I know you would never hurt me. If I can have sex with you, I’ll know I can find a guy and give it time to get there, you know?”

  Christ, she wanted to just fuck. She didn’t want to change the parameters of their relationship. She wanted to use his body. How fucked up was that?

  “Maggie, I don’t know. We’ve never . . .”

  “I know that’s not how we work. And I totally get it if you think it’s too weird. But I had to ask.”

  She was sitting close enough that he could smell the soft, powdery scent of her perfume. Her skin was warm where his hand lay on her thigh. He pulled back and rubbed a hand on his head.

  “It’s weird, right?”

  “Not weird, exactly. Did Dr. Janzen think this was a good idea?”

  “I didn’t ask her. I don’t run every decision past my therapist. She gave me the guidelines. You fit the guidelines. If I can’t sleep with you, then no other guy has a shot. I know not to bother. At least not now. I can focus on other things.” She gave a careless shrug like it didn’t matter.

  But she forgot he knew her. She was a crappy actress when it came to him. She was pinning some great hope on him sleeping with her. She wanted him to have sex with her in order to pave the way for some other guy. The thought alone bugged the shit out of him.

  He could just blurt it out. Tell her how he felt. Let her know he wanted more from her. But instead, he said, “I need to think about it.”

  “Fair enough,” she said all perky. She tossed the remote onto his lap. “Pick something good to watch. I’ll make popcorn.”

  She stood and left the room. How could he think about some TV show when all his brain could do was focus on sleeping with Maggie?

  He flipped mindlessly through the channels, avoiding anything that looked remotely romantic or sexy. He needed action and adventure. From the kitchen, he heard Maggie humming softly while she moved around. She couldn’t sing for shit, but her hum was calming.

  He’d forgotten how she used to do that all the time. She’d mumble or hum. It had been a surefire way to determine her mood. Humming meant happy, mumbling meant pissed off. He wished he knew what had made her happy. Was it the act of asking him, or was she so sure he’d agree, she thought his taking time was simply a formality?

  Her request weighed heavily on him. He didn’t want to be the factor deciding whether she’d remain happy.

  Part of his brain, the primal part, wanted to jump on her offer immediately. He wanted the chance to know her body, show her how good they could be together, but he didn’t want to risk what they had. Not if that wasn’t what she wanted.

  Ten minutes later, Maggie returned with a bowl of popcorn and another bottle of beer for him. She plopped beside him as if the conversation hadn’t happened, and they watched TV like they always had. Except he had no idea what was happening on the screen. He was too busy weighing the possibilities of Maggie’s proposition.

  By the time the movie ended, he still had no answers, but a headache threatened to ruin the rest of his night. Credits rolled across the screen. Maggie was curled comfortably on his side. He shifted to move away.

  “You gotta go?”

  “I should. Early day with my dad.”

  “I’m sorry I was bitchy with you over dinner the other night. I don’t like it when people call me on shit. I do”—she waved her hands in swirly motions as if she didn’t know the word she was looking for—“finagle what I want from my siblings. I’ve been doing it my whole life. But you’re right. If I want them to treat me like an adult, I need to stop.”

  He chuckled. “Those are some pretty words, but I know you better than that.”

  “I’m serious. I’m not saying I’ll never ask my family for anything because hello, that’s what family’s for. However, I plan to go into Ryan’s office tomorrow and explain to him why I think he should take my opinion into consideration. I won’t stomp my foot or scream. I’ll be professional, just like any other employee.”

  Shane stood and stretched. “Let me know how that goes.” He knew her brothers. They would never listen to her. It had been part of the reason why she’d been wild as a teenager. She wanted attention and she yelled instead of talked, partied instead of interacted, got arrested instead of playing by the rules.

  He’d never understand where she was coming from, because he was the oldest and none of his sisters had sought attention like that. His sisters tended to be a little more straightforward.

  “You’ll see. I’ll win him over with my charming wit and personality.”

  He grabbed his empty bottles to throw out. “It’s your charm that usually lands you in the most trouble.”

  “You have so little faith in me.”

  “Never.”

  She followed him to the door. “You’ll really think about what I said, right?”

  “Of course.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “You sound like my brothers when they say they’ll think about something.”

  He reached out and grabbed her hand. “I promise to give it real consideration. I’m not blowing it off. It’s just a lot to process all at once.”

  She nodded.

  “See you tomorrow?”

  “Probably.” She held the door open for him to leave. “Have a good day at work.”

  He trudged back to his apartment, more tired than he thought. As he crawled into bed he thought about whether he could have sex with Maggie and then walk away, just be her friend again. With other girls, he could, but he’d never had a close relationship with another girl like he had with Maggie. He’d dated some girls, slept with others.

  But Maggie had always come first.

  He sat up in bed with the harsh realization. Of course he’d always known Maggie was important to him, but this path of thoughts made him wonder if maybe his relationship with Maggie was holding him back.

  “Fuck. Now I’m thinking like a shrink,” he said to his shadow.

  Maggie gulped down a horrible cup of coffee in her apartment before heading down to talk to Ryan. She’d have to ask Mary how she made such good coffee. Walking through the back door of the bar had begun to feel second nature, much like it had five years ago. Maggie paused and let the enormity of that sink in.

  She was getting her life back.

  Wit
h an extra spring in her step, she strode to the office door and knocked. When Ryan called out, she walked in.

  “Hey, Maggie, what are you doing here?”

  “I want to talk to you.”

  “Shoot.”

  She sat in front of him and placed her folder on his desk. He continued to stare at his computer screen. “I want you to listen.”

  She paused, waiting for him to look at her. When he realized she was silent, he turned away from the computer. He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands across his stomach.

  “I’d like to talk about Saint Patrick’s Day.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I know you despise the idea of selling green beer, but it’s a Chicago tradition.”

  “Not an O’Leary’s tradition.”

  “True. But you don’t have to do everything the way Dad did. Sometimes things need to change.”

  “Maggie, I’m trying to be patient, but you don’t know anything about running the bar.”

  “That’s because you’ve kept me and everyone else out of the loop. You like to handle it all. I’m surprised you let Colin do anything.” She took a breath. This was going in the wrong direction. She pushed her folder toward him. “I did some research.”

  “On what?”

  “Bars in the area. The number of customers expected to be out drinking on Saint Paddy’s Day.”

  He flipped the folder open and looked at her chart. “How did you get this information? Why would any bar give you their numbers?”

  She winked. “You underestimate my ability to charm anyone. I told the owners I was a reporter doing a story on Saint Paddy’s Day in Chicago and how it impacts local businesses. I might’ve said I was writing for a trade magazine.”

  Ryan shook his head slowly. “You and Moira would make a deadly combination.” He sighed and closed the folder. “Give me the summary.”

  “Most bars see an uptick in business after the parade. Those bars that appear to be more Irish do better because people think they’re getting some authentic experience. Among those making the most money are those selling green beer. It’s a gimmick, but it’s one customers like.”

  “It’s still bullshit.”

  “I agree. But even Dad could understand playing the game to increase the bank account. Do I need to point out the O’Leary sign hanging on that cow’s neck by the bar? Dad let people think we were related to the woman whose cow started the Great Chicago Fire. Our family wasn’t even in the states then. It’s all part of the game.”

  Ryan stared at her. For the first time, she felt like he really saw her.

  “I’ll think about it. “

  “All we need to do is add food coloring to each glass. They can order whatever beer they want, except for the dark ones, obviously. Food coloring won’t change the taste. I don’t know why everyone keeps telling me how it tastes like crap.”

  “Because most bars use the cheapest stuff they can and color it by the keg.”

  “Then we can be extra special. We just need to get food coloring.” She stood and left the office. Ryan ultimately might still decide not to go with green beer, but at least he wouldn’t be likely to dismiss her again.

  She went back up to her apartment to continue working on her portfolio. Chiming in on bar business was fine, but she didn’t plan on working there forever. Moira had a point; she needed a plan and it was time to make some choices.

  Shane walked into his parents’ house and in an instant knew all three of his sisters were there. An argument was escalating in the living room and the pitch would soon hit an octave only animals could hear.

  “Quiet!” his dad bellowed.

  His dad’s yell was like a tremor through the house. Without being in the room, Shane was able to picture all three girls frozen in place, mouths hanging open. There had been a time it would’ve worked on him as well. Now he didn’t have much to fight about when it came to his sisters. Being the oldest, and only boy, had its perks.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Dad asked as Shane rounded the corner.

  All three girls started in again, pointing fingers at each other, all saying little more than gibberish. Beyond the bellow, Dad never knew how to handle this. Where was their mom?

  Shane whistled loudly to get them to quiet. Then he pointed at Alyson. “You first.”

  “I’m only here for dinner and to do a load of laundry and discovered that bossy pants over here”—she pointed at Cara—“decided my box of books and some clothes I had in storage were free game.”

  Before the last words were out of Alyson’s mouth, Cara jumped in, pointing a finger at Alyson. “I am not being bossy. I was just trying to settle things between you and Riley. Riley opened your box.”

  “I didn’t know it was yours.”

  “My name in big black letters on the side didn’t clue you in?”

  “Besides, Riley has a point. If you’re not living here, your stuff shouldn’t be here.”

  “Who are you to talk? You don’t live here and you still have a bedroom.” Alyson’s arms waved as she yelled at Cara.

  “I do too live here. Just not when I’m at school.”

  “You live on campus nine months out of the year.”

  “But it’s not a permanent residence. I have to move out over the summer; therefore, I cannot bring all of my possessions with me. You, however, have your own apartment.”

  Riley, being the little sneak that she was, started drifting farther away from the cluster like no one would notice. Shane knew her well enough to know she probably asked Cara to get involved as a distraction to what the real problem was.

  Cara and Alyson continued to argue the finer points of their living arrangements, so Shane pointed at Riley. “What did you do?”

  She shrugged. “I found a sweater I liked and she busted me wearing it.”

  Clothes. Why was it always clothes that girls fought over? He shook his head and slapped a hand on his dad’s shoulder. “This is all yours.”

  Shane went back to the kitchen just as his mom walked through the back door carrying grocery bags. “Shane, honey, you’re here.”

  His mother always sounded so happy to see him. “Need help with groceries?”

  “That would be fabulous. The trunk’s open.”

  She began emptying bags while he went back to the car. He slipped his arms through the plastic bags and hauled them all in one trip. He kicked the door closed behind him and set the bags on the table. His mom was already stirring something in a pan on the stove.

  “You’re staying for dinner, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Excellent. I love having you all here at the same time.”

  He thought about the O’Learys and their Sunday dinners. Maggie said they ate as an entire family at least once a month. He thought for a minute. The last time all of the Callahans sat down for dinner together had probably been Christmas. Holidays and birthdays were expected family time.

  “Maybe we should do this more often.”

  “What, honey?”

  “Dinner together. All of us.”

  She waved a hand. “As much as I would love that, trying to align everyone’s schedules would be insane, don’t you think?”

  “Just a thought.”

  “I miss when you all lived here. Even if we didn’t eat together, I saw all of you every day. I miss that.”

  “Everything okay, Mom?”

  “Yes. Go tell your sisters to stop fighting.”

  “Already tried. They don’t listen to me now any more than they did when we were kids.”

  “What is it this time?”

  “Clothes. Again.”

  She tsked but ignored the noise from the other room. Shane briefly wondered what had happened to their dad, but then he figured Dad had given up and went to change out of his work clothes.

  His mom handed him a spoon. “Stir this.”

  He turned to the stove and began stirring the sauce. He sniffed, trying to determine what it was. From
the living room, he heard his mother’s sharp voice telling both Riley and Cara that Alyson had every right to leave whatever she needed in her house. Moments later, he heard stomping on the stairs, which meant Riley was pissed.

  As much as he’d loved moving away from home to be on his own, he missed the noise of his family. There was a certain predictability to it.

  His mom came back into the kitchen. “What is this?” he asked.

  “Something new. As long as you’re all here, I decided to experiment. You know how your father is. He hates to try different things.”

  She lifted the lid on a nearby pot, saw the water boiling, and added pasta.

  “Anything else I can help with?”

  “No. Have a seat and tell me what’s been happening in your life. You hardly come home anymore.”

  He sat at the table and had no idea where to start.

  “Are you dating anyone new?”

  “Nope.”

  She reached across the counter and started slicing a loaf of bread. “Would you tell me if you were?”

  “Nope.” He walked over and snatched a piece of bread before giving her a kiss on the cheek. “You’d just pressure me for grandkids. I’m not ready for that.”

  “By the time I was your age, I already had two.”

  “And you’d also already found the love of your life.” He sat back down at the table.

  “Are you sure you haven’t?”

  When he didn’t answer, she asked, “How is Maggie doing?”

  Shane bit back a sigh. He’d come home to put Maggie out of his head, and here was his mom putting Maggie’s name beside the idea of true love. “She’s okay.”

  “Glad to hear. Why don’t you call and invite her to dinner? I haven’t seen her in ages.”

  Even with her back to him, Shane knew the scheming look in his mother’s eyes. She’d tried to push him and Maggie together often enough as teens for him to know what she was after. He couldn’t expose Maggie to that. Not in light of their current situation. “She’s probably busy.”