Hold Me Close Read online

  Moira’s eyebrows shot up, but she said nothing.

  Maggie twisted her hands together in her lap. “Like I said, he fits everything Dr. Janzen said is necessary for me to be comfortable enough to have a sexual relationship with a guy.”

  “So you’re finally going to make a move on Shane? I’ve always thought you two would make a great couple.”

  “No. Not a couple. An experiment. Just sex. You know, to see if I can.”

  Moira did her beady eye thing again. “But he’s your best friend.”

  “Who better to help me? He cares about me, and he knows everything, so I don’t have to worry about that God-awful conversation. He’s always taken care of me.”

  “Before approaching him with anything like this, you really need to think about it. This is big.”

  Maggie waved a hand. “It’s sex. Hookups happen all the time. For most people our age, it’s not a big deal at all. I don’t want it to be. Can’t you see that?”

  Moira was making her question her plan. When the thought had struck her hours ago when she was supposed to be thinking about careers, it sounded like the best idea.

  Moira scooted closer and put an arm around her shoulder. “I do get it. I just don’t want you to rush.”

  Maggie snorted. “Funny coming from you. You rush into everything.”

  “So learn from my mistakes. You’re not me. Every decision you make has pros and cons.”

  “Jeez. Now I’m supposed to make a list? I just had the idea.”

  Moira leaned back. “Not a list. What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen if you do this?”

  Maggie closed her eyes and voiced her worst fear. “That I won’t be able to do it. If I try with Shane, someone I love and trust, and I can’t have sex, I’ll never be able to.”

  “And what’s the absolute best outcome?”

  “I have sex, of course. And if I enjoy it, I’ll know I’m not completely broken.” She drank a gulp of coffee. Admitting those things aloud was harder than she thought.

  “What about Shane?”

  “What about him?”

  “There would be a pro and con for him too. Did you think about that?”

  “Well, he’d get laid. That would be a pro, right? It is for any guy. The con . . .” She closed her eyes again. She didn’t want to think about what the con would be for Shane. If she couldn’t have sex with him, he would hold on to that guilt too. “He’d feel responsible if I couldn’t.” She opened her eyes. “But it wouldn’t be his fault. I’d have to make him understand.”

  Moira gave her a weak smile and patted her hand. “Don’t assume anything when it comes to Shane. It would have to be a serious conversation.”

  Maggie nodded. She knew that. Talking with Shane had never been an issue.

  “I’m going home. Jimmy should be off soon. Get a portfolio together of your photography and I’ll ask around. If nothing else, I know I can get you some freelance work. You can try it out to see if you like it.” Moira stood and grabbed her coat. Before heading toward the door, she pulled Maggie into a tight hug. “Remember not to rush anything and really listen to Shane.”

  “Okay.” Maggie felt like Moira was trying to tell her something more, which was strange because Moira always said exactly what was on her mind. She walked her sister out. Before locking up, she glanced at Shane’s door and wondered if he was home.

  Then she thought about him shirtless and sweaty, so she closed herself in her apartment. She couldn’t possibly have a serious conversation with those images in her mind.

  Maggie slept in the following morning. She had another day shift at the bar, but Ryan and Colin had called a staff meeting. Looking at the clock, she realized she was going to be late. Part of the reason she’d overslept was because Shane had taken over her dreams. Again.

  As she rushed past his apartment door, she felt like a seventh grader crushing on a guy. In some ways, it was exciting because she couldn’t remember the last time her mind and body acted together like this. At the same time, she wished it were someone other than her friend.

  She ran through the rear door of the bar and crept to the back of the meeting. Ryan and Colin were discussing Saint Paddy’s Day, which was in just a couple of weeks. They were saying that everyone was expected to work. As if she didn’t know this. The entire family worked on that day. No matter what their regular jobs were, they all became O’Leary’s Pub employees for the day.

  Except her. She hadn’t since the rape. And no one had expected her to. She halfway listened to the meeting. Someone asked about green beer and she could sense Ryan tense. He’d always hated the idea of green beer.

  Colin stood up and said, “We haven’t decided yet. We’ll have all promotions set by Monday and we’ll let you know.”

  Everyone moved slowly as the meeting concluded. Most employees chatted with each other, but Ryan and Colin stood and headed toward the back, probably to the office. Ryan’s gaze met hers.

  “You were late.”

  “By a couple of minutes. Are you going to give Shane grief for not being here at all?”

  At the mention of Shane’s name, Ryan’s eyes darted away. “He’ll be fine.”

  “Plus, I know it’s been a long time, but I know the Saint Paddy’s Day routine. I’m sure you haven’t changed it.”

  “We don’t need you to work.”

  “You just got done telling an entire room of people that it’s all hands on deck and if they don’t show, they’ll be out of a job. I’m not looking for special treatment.”

  Colin stood beside Ryan with his arms crossed, but he said nothing.

  Ryan rubbed a hand over his face. “You remember how crazy that day is. It’s wall-to-wall people.”

  “Which means lots of tips. I’ll be here.”

  Ryan shook his head and turned to walk away. Maggie followed.

  “I also think we should sell green beer.”

  Ryan stopped but didn’t turn back.

  Colin, on the other hand, practically did a jig. “Yes!”

  Ryan turned his head to Colin. “What are you getting excited for? She’s been working here for a couple of weeks. She has no idea what’s good for the bar.”

  Maggie stomped around until she was in front of both of them. “First of all, this is the family’s bar, so the family should have input. Second, no, I don’t run a bar, but I know people. People who aren’t Irish think it’s cool to go to a pub and drink green beer after they see the Chicago River dyed green and watch the parade.”

  “It’s stupid. And the beer is crap.”

  “But they pay for the crap. And because it’s a holiday and it’s a novelty, you can charge a premium for it.” She crossed her arms.

  “Dad never sold green beer.”

  He didn’t wait for her retort, not that she had one. He walked around her and went into his office, closing the door behind him loudly enough to let everyone know to leave him alone.

  She looked up at Colin. “What was that about?”

  “He doesn’t like change.” He ruffled his hand against her hair. “See you later. I’m going to the bowling alley.”

  She smoothed hand over her head. “Later.”

  As she set up for lunch, her irritation with her brother grew. He never wanted to listen to her. It was like she would never know anything because she was the youngest. It was ridiculous. By now Ryan should know better. She was trying to have a life and be part of the family.

  She worked her shift with a smile, and in the back of her mind she planned how to create a portfolio of photos. It occupied her brain to keep thoughts of men at bay. She didn’t need to think about Ryan or Shane.

  As she cleaned up and closed out her remaining tickets, Shane walked through the door and sat at the bar. He looked better than he had the other day, but still tired. She sat on the stool next to him.

  “You missed a meeting this morning.”

  “Meeting?”

  “Ryan called a staff meeting. You missed it. He’
ll probably yell at you.” She bumped his shoulder. “You didn’t miss much, though. Everyone has to work Saint Patrick’s Day. No drinking on the job. Blah blah.”

  The set of Shane’s shoulders stiffened.

  “I was just joking. He’s not mad. He probably won’t remember. He was too busy ignoring me.”

  Mary put a beer in front of Shane, and he took a long drink.

  “Why was Ryan ignoring you?”

  “Because I said I would work, and I also said selling green beer on Saint Paddy’s Day is a good idea.”

  Shane’s lip curled. “It tastes like shit.”

  Maggie rolled her eyes again. “But people pay for it. It’s special, limited time only stuff. Makes them feel Irish.”

  Shane tilted his head in agreement. He was quieter than normal. “You shouldn’t work that day. It’ll be crazy in here.”

  “I can handle it.” She laid a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Tired. And hungry.”

  “What do you want? I’ll run to the kitchen and get it.” She hopped off her stool.

  “I’ll wait until Mary’s free. You can go back to your tables.”

  “My tables are clear. Kelly’s on her way in. I’m going back to get myself dinner anyway.”

  “Then I’ll have fish and chips.” He offered her a weak smile.

  She went back into the kitchen to place the order. She wished she could read Shane as well as he read her. She knew something was off, but she couldn’t guess what. He always seemed to know with her.

  When their food was ready, she brought the plates to the bar and sat beside him. His beer was half gone and he seemed to have relaxed. “So what do you think about this thing with Ryan?”

  “What thing?”

  “His ignoring me and my input. He never takes me seriously. He still wants to treat me like the baby.” She bit into a French fry.

  “So stop acting like one.”

  “What?”

  “You’re sitting here getting all huffy because your brother wouldn’t listen to you. How exactly did that conversation go? Knowing you, you yelled at him, maybe stomped your feet a bit.”

  “I did not.” But even as the words left her mouth, she knew that was exactly what she’d done.

  “You do it all the time, Maggie. I think you enjoy being treated like the baby of the family. You take advantage of it.” He bit into fish, cursed quietly because it was hot, and took another swig of beer.

  “What do you mean, I take advantage of it? It’s not my fault I was born last.” Anger began to build with each sentence coming out of Shane’s mouth, but she wanted to hear it all.

  “Maggie, I love you. We all love you. But you’re used to getting your own way. You say you want to be treated like an adult, but you don’t act like one.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You’re working in your family’s bar, living in one of their apartments. Knowing you, you probably got your brother to help pay for your furniture and called it an advance on your pay.”

  Shane did know her too well. But she had every intention of paying Ryan back. Shane took another drink of beer and focused on his meal.

  “I lived on my own for more than a year, thousands of miles away.”

  He looked at her from the corner of his eye and spoke while chewing his fish. “Who paid your cell phone bill while you were gone? Did you pay your cousins rent while you lived there?”

  “I bought groceries and I cooked and helped out around the house. I tried to give them money, but my family’s not like that. And as far as the cell phone goes, Ryan insisted on getting me a new one with an international plan so he would worry less.”

  Shane shrugged. “I’m not saying it’s all on you, but you enjoy some of it.”

  “Of course I do. I’d be stupid not to. It doesn’t mean I’m not an adult.”

  “So act like one.”

  Her temper flared and she wanted to yell at Shane, which was exactly what he was expecting. Well, she could hold her temper. As proof, she grabbed her plate and took it into the kitchen. She dumped her food into a to-go box and returned to the bar to let Mary know she was done for the night.

  “Aw, come on, Maggie. Are you really going to run off like this?”

  “I’m not running anywhere. I’m going upstairs to my apartment. I’m avoiding an argument with you because I’m angry right now. The immature Maggie would scream at you and call you an asshole. I’m choosing to walk away and calm down in order to think about things. See you later.”

  He chuckled as she left, and it took every ounce of strength to stop herself from turning back. She knew her anger came from a place of irritation because part of what Shane had accused her of was true. She knew how to play her siblings to get what she wanted. It was one of the perks of being the youngest.

  Upstairs, she sank onto her couch. Her food no longer held any appeal. She wanted to stay mad, mostly at Shane, but she couldn’t. She’d come back home because she wanted to build a real life. Doing that meant growing up and moving on. Wasn’t that what she’d told Moira earlier?

  She pulled out her laptop and began to work on her portfolio. She didn’t know if she wanted to be a photographer, but she wanted to give it a shot. She paused as she clicked on an article about developing a portfolio.

  Would using Moira’s connections to land a job fall under taking advantage as the baby of the family? She understood the idea of going it alone, but the O’Learys always said that if you have a big family, use it. It wasn’t something only she was guilty of. Plus, how else would she get her foot in the door to decide if this was the right career for her?

  She pushed doubt aside and focused on accomplishing something.

  CHAPTER 7

  Maggie spent the next two days working on her portfolio and talking with Moira about job prospects and possibly even going back to school. She worked her shifts at the bar and made good tips, and didn’t have any more episodes. All in all, life was good.

  Except for the whole no boyfriend, no dating, no sex thing. And to top it off, she kept seeing Shane in her dreams. She decided it was time to do something about it. She grabbed a six-pack of beer and knocked on Shane’s door. Getting things out in the open would be best. Even if he thought she was crazy for thinking they should sleep together once as an experiment, at least then she could put the fantasies to rest.

  The radio blared on the other side of the door, and Maggie thought that maybe he hadn’t heard her knock. She raised her hand again and the door swung open as her fist came down. She looked like a cat batting a toy. Shane stood in the doorway, shirtless—like that was going to help rid her of crazy dreams. He walked to the radio and turned it down.

  “Hey. I brought you some beer.”

  “Do you mean you swiped some beer from downstairs?” he asked with one eyebrow up.

  She wrinkled her nose at him. “No, smart-ass. Want to see the receipt?” She really hoped he didn’t ask for one since it didn’t exist even though she’d paid for it. She hadn’t swiped the beer, but it came from the bar’s stock.

  He opened the door wider. “Is it cold?”

  “Who the hell would show up with warm beer? That would be like saying, here, have a brownie, and throwing a box at you.” She walked past him and took in the sight of the apartment. It was completely bare.

  He closed the door behind her and took the beer from her hand. Setting it in the fridge, he took one bottle out and drank. “Does this mean we’re good?”

  “We’re always good.”

  “You seemed a little snippy after dinner the other day and you haven’t said two words to me since.”

  He had her there. She was still mad when they worked a night shift together, but then she hadn’t seen him. “I was, but I did some thinking and realized you were right.”

  “Whoa.” He held up a hand and pulled his phone from his pocket. His thumb scrolled through the screen. “I gotta have an app for that.”

  “For what?”


  “I need to record you saying that. Not only will I replay it every time we argue, but I’ll play it for my sisters when they tell me I don’t know anything.”

  Maggie rolled her eyes. “Shut up.”

  She walked through the living room and decided maybe this wasn’t a good idea. He had nowhere to sit. “Are you done working?”

  “For now.”

  “Want to come over and watch TV?”

  “Do I get to pick?”

  “As long as it’s not sports.”

  “Cool. Let me take a shower and I’ll be right over.”

  She nodded and went back to her apartment. Suddenly, her stomach began to flip. Why was this making her nervous? Then she realized she didn’t know what the outcome would be. She didn’t know what Shane would say, which went against the way she liked things.

  If he agreed, how would they proceed? Would they have sex now? Tonight? No, she hadn’t even shaved her legs and she was wearing her old college sweats. This was just conversation. She would feel him out.

  Grabbing a Coke from the fridge, she checked her cabinets for snacks. What do you serve a guy you’re going to ask to sleep with you? Chips? Cookies?

  Maggie took a deep breath. She was overthinking. This was Shane, and she’d always been able to talk to him about anything. She settled on the couch and turned on the TV. About fifteen minutes later, there was a thump against her door.

  She got up and looked through the peephole. Shane. She unlocked the door.

  “You knew I was coming over. Why’d you lock it?”

  “I always lock it.” It was one of the many things she always did now. She locked her apartment door. She locked the bathroom door even when she was home alone. She locked her bedroom door at night.

  “Probably a good idea. I just thought you would’ve left it open for me.” He walked into the kitchen and put two bottles of beer in her refrigerator. “Shoot. I didn’t know you still had some.”

  “I don’t drink it. And you’re the only person I’ve had over, so there’s beer.” She sat back on the couch and waited for him to join her. When he did, she took a moment to drink in the sight of him.

  He was all clean, no sign of sawdust or drywall mud on him. The crisp scent of soap tickled her nose. He wore an old T-shirt that had seen better days. The collar had been cut and the hem at the bottom was frayed. Like her, he wore loose sweatpants.