Hold Me Close Read online

  When she reopened her eyes, she briefly wondered what Dr. Janzen would say about her using Shane as a calming device.

  But she didn’t have time to ponder the thought, because Shane was back through the door with a glass of water.

  While he’d been in the bathroom and then the kitchen, Shane had convinced himself when he came back to the bedroom, he would know what to say or do. His body moved on autopilot, closing the door behind him, which was good because his brain fuzzed out looking at Maggie lying naked on the bed waiting for him.

  He shook his head. No, she wasn’t waiting for him. She was just lying in bed after having sex. He had to remind himself she wasn’t yet his. But if that round of sex didn’t convince her how good they would be together, he had no idea what would. He strode to the bed and handed her the glass of water.

  “Congratulations,” he said, and immediately regretted it, but he couldn’t undo the stupid word.

  “You weren’t so bad yourself.” She propped on an elbow, took the water, and gulped down half the glass. Then she held it out to him before flopping back down on her stomach.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.” He sat beside where she lay. He spoke and struggled to keep his eyes on her face instead of on the naked curve of her ass. “No matter what you use to measure the definition of sex, I think you accomplished that tonight.”

  She reached across and wrapped her fingers around his. “We accomplished it.” She pressed her lips together, then said, “Thank you.”

  Her thank-you wasn’t quite as stupid as his congratulations, but it irked him. Did she think he was looking for gratitude? He’d just had some of the most amazing sex of his life and she was tossing off a thank-you.

  “Mmm . . . I forgot how sleepy great sex makes me.” Her eyes fluttered closed.

  Shane watched for a minute, trying to decide if he should stay or go. He wanted more than anything to stay, but he didn’t want to push things. Well, yeah, he did, but he didn’t want to freak Maggie out. And he’d stayed last night, so tonight shouldn’t matter.

  “Come to bed,” she mumbled. “And turn out the light.”

  He stretched out next to her and reached for the light switch. Before plunging the room into darkness, his gaze coasted over her bare body. He’d agreed to a single attempt at sex, but now he had no idea how he could continue on without this, being with her in every way.

  He flipped the switch and settled against the pillows, which smelled of Maggie’s shampoo. She rolled over and snuggled against him while pulling at the blanket to cover herself. Shane sat up and snapped the blanket over both of them, even though he wasn’t cold. He just wanted to be as close to her for as long as possible.

  Shane did his best to control his thoughts and relax enough to sleep. Instead, he began to plan his conversation with Maggie explaining why they should be a couple. So many things flashed into his head that he knew he would sound insane if he said them at once. It would be so much easier if she had given him some hint of what she was thinking.

  Was it possible she could have sex with him and not feel the connection they had?

  Shit. He thought thinking like a shrink was bad, but now he sounded like a chick. What the hell had Maggie done to him?

  He turned to his side and breathed in her scent. His brain finally turned off, and as he began to doze, Maggie shifted and got off the bed. He assumed she needed to go to the bathroom, but she went to the door, fumbled around, and then returned to bed. Was she sleepwalking? Then he realized she was checking the door again.

  She said nothing, but climbed back in beside him and hugged her pillow.

  He could definitely get used to this.

  Maggie woke in the morning, feeling sleepy and a little sore. She rolled over and looked at Shane, who was snoring beside her. Something felt right waking up beside him and she didn’t know what to do with that feeling. This was Shane and she’d woken up with him before. Over the years, they’d spent the night together after watching movies or after a party.

  This was different. Last night changed something, even more than the previous night. She’d known the possibility existed that having sex might change things between them, but she had faith that they could make sure it didn’t impact their relationship. In truth, she didn’t believe she’d be able to follow through and have sex.

  Holy crap! She’d had sex. And it had been good—more than good. She hadn’t felt frozen or trapped or freakish at all last night. She did it.

  Dr. Janzen had been right. If Maggie took the time to get to know a guy and really trust him, she could have a positive sexual relationship. She could ultimately find what her siblings had. She could eventually have a husband and kids—not that she was in any hurry. It was the knowledge that it was a possibility that made her a little giddy.

  Armed with her new knowledge about herself, Maggie eased out of bed without waking Shane. She looked over at him. He’d been perfect. He’d given her what she needed. Only for one night, she reminded herself. A slight pain poked her heart. Nothing should hurt. It all went according to plan. She wanted to face her day and figure out what to do next. She was back on the market for a boyfriend. Thinking it didn’t make her feel any better, but she had to keep the momentum going so she didn’t lose ground.

  She gathered clothes and went to the bathroom to shower and dress for the day. It was family dinner day today. Maybe she’d talk to Moira for ideas about where to find a good date. But if she did that, Moira would guess that Maggie had had sex and she’d want details. Maggie wasn’t sure if she wanted to share those details.

  Something great happened last night and she wanted to keep it just for her.

  By the time she got out of the shower, Shane was standing in his boxers in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee.

  “You could’ve slept in. I would’ve brought you coffee.”

  He made a face as he drank.

  “My coffee’s not that bad.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  She reached around him and filled her own cup. She was at a loss for what else to say and she didn’t like feeling that way. Talking with Shane had never been a problem and neither was being in silence with him. This shouldn’t be awkward.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “Great.” She couldn’t hide her smirk. “Last night was . . . Wow. I never thought I’d be okay.” She sighed and set her cup on the counter. Just get it over with so they can go back to being Maggie and Shane. “I can’t thank you enough. Dr. Janzen was right. I just need to open myself up to a guy and trust him enough to take care of me. I have to have the tough conversations, but if I do, everything will fall into place.”

  Shane’s face hardened while she talked, but then he smiled. It wasn’t a real smile, though.

  “Something wrong?”

  “No.”

  But he didn’t expand. An uneasy feeling crawled over her. “What is it?”

  “I’m fine, Mags. I’m going home to shower.”

  “I have family dinner today. You’re welcome to come if you want.”

  “No, thanks. I think I’m going to hang out with my dad.”

  “Want to get together later for a movie or something?”

  “Maybe. Give me a call.”

  He dumped the rest of his coffee down the drain. She picked her cup up and drank as he walked toward the bedroom. The uneasy feeling deepened and pressed on her. Something went wrong, but she had no idea what.

  She recalled their brief conversation. Could it be Shane was mad that she talked about finding a boyfriend? Would that make him mad? She was putting them back to normal. It was what they’d agreed on.

  Her heart rate kicked up. She followed him down the hall. Leaning against her doorway, she watched him jump into his jeans and gather his other stuff in his arms.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re mad. I want to know why.”

  He sighed and his chest made it look lik
e the air weighed a ton. “I’m not mad.”

  She straightened away from the frame. She didn’t like these games. “Are you mad because I talked about finding a boyfriend?”

  Rather than step into his shoes, he carried them. “I’m not mad. I’m worried, Maggie. You’re so impatient. I’m afraid you’ll think one sexual encounter makes you . . .”

  She knew where this was going, and it pissed her off. “Makes me what?”

  “Just don’t rush it.”

  “Makes me what, Shane? Normal, right? That’s what you were going to say?”

  “Yes, Maggie, normal. I love you, but you’re not normal. You were raped. That is never going away.”

  Her throat tightened and her eyes burned. Not Shane. Everyone in her life had tiptoed around her for a long time, treating her like she was fragile. But not Shane. He’d always treated her the same. “Don’t you fucking think I know that? I live with it every damn day. I don’t need you to tell me I’m not normal. I know that too. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to live a normal life.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” His voice was quiet. He sounded hurt. But she couldn’t care. She was pissed. And hurt. “You did, or you wouldn’t have said it.” Her cup shook in her hand.

  “Fuck.” The curse came out as a sharp whisper. “Maggie.” He stepped toward her.

  She backed up. “I’m pissed off now, Shane. Go home. We’ll talk later. Maybe. You know, if I’m not too fucked up in my own head to be normal.”

  She turned and went back to the kitchen. She heard his heavy footsteps behind her. His hand landed on her shoulder and he spun her around. “Don’t twist my words. I wasn’t trying to say that there’s something wrong with you—”

  “But there is.”

  “Christ, Maggie. I don’t want you to take this one victory and rush into some asshole’s arms.”

  He stopped. Maggie had the impression he planned to say more, but he stopped himself. She stood and stared into his eyes. She saw pain, which was like a stab to the heart. “I won’t. I need to move on with my life. I have to learn to trust myself to choose a good guy and then trust him enough to take care of me.”

  He backed off, dropping his hand from her shoulder. She missed the reassuring weight.

  He disappeared back to the bedroom and walked past her again with his things. A rock sat in her stomach. She had no idea how things had gone so wrong. She and Shane had fought before, many times over the years, but this felt different. This was real pain, not just anger.

  She swallowed past the lump in her throat and pushed down the urge to go after him. She needed to understand why she was so angry first. It shouldn’t have surprised her that Shane would tell her what to do. In that way, he was very much like her brothers.

  Maybe that’s why she was so upset. He was the one person who was supposed to be in her corner. She’d calm down and talk to him later, when she could be rational and not accuse him of being like Ryan.

  In the meantime, she had to go see her real brothers.

  CHAPTER 12

  Shane walked into his apartment and slammed the door. It didn’t make him feel any better. What. The. Fuck. How could Maggie make love to him and then talk about moving on with some other guy who would take care of her? The damn bed wasn’t even cold yet.

  He’d expected a conversation in the morning, but not that one. He scrubbed his hand over his head in frustration. Breaking something would feel awesome right now. But since everything in his apartment was new, he wasn’t about to undo all of his hard work.

  He threw his shoes against the cabinets and went to his bedroom. Pulling fresh clothes from his dresser, he realized he still smelled like sex and Maggie. He couldn’t work like that, so he opted for a shower.

  Once he was clean, his head was also a little clearer. He’d made a deal with Maggie. He knew that going in, and his own silly romantic ideas wouldn’t change that. They’d talk later and they’d be okay. He’d told himself from the beginning that if all he got was one shot to be with Maggie, it would be enough.

  But it’s not, a sneering voice in his head pointed out. It would have to be enough because he couldn’t imagine his life without her. He turned on the radio to drown out the sounds of the nasty voice in his head that reminded him that as long as Maggie was in his life, he’d have to see her with other men. He turned to the classic rock station, blaring the Stones singing “Satisfaction.” He started a pot of coffee and surveyed the work he needed to finish.

  The drywall was done and ready to paint. He hated painting. It wasn’t physical enough and it didn’t require mental power. He’d buy and install the trim today. Trim would keep his mind occupied and off Maggie. While his coffee brewed, he measured the walls again as if he didn’t already know the dimensions. He made halfhearted notes for his shopping list.

  He filled his to-go cup, grabbed his list, and turned off the radio. Before leaving, he opened his door and peered out. He wasn’t sure if he was hoping to see Maggie or avoid her, which was really sad. Shaking his head at himself and his stupid ideas, he went to his truck.

  After spending most of the day cutting and installing trim, Shane didn’t feel any better. He’d managed to keep his mind off Maggie mostly out of sheer determination. If he got distracted, he’d screw up the trim, and his dad had taught him a long time ago he needed to measure twice, cut once. The simple mantra kept him on task and focused. When he decided to call it quits for the day, he was coated in fine sawdust.

  He brushed himself off and then took off his shirt and pants and shook them out. He checked the time. Maggie would still be at dinner with her family.

  He needed to stop thinking about where she was and when she might be back. He needed to step back from her if he wanted to keep their friendship.

  The thought irritated him almost as much as his conversation with Maggie this morning. He took a shower and went to see his family. Hopefully, only his parents would be at home. He didn’t need any more time with crazy females today.

  When he got to his parents’ house, he didn’t see his mom’s car. Dad’s truck was in the driveway, but that didn’t mean much. Shane let himself into the house. “Hello?”

  No one answered. Didn’t that just figure. After spending the entire day by himself, he needed the noise and distraction of his family, and they weren’t home. He tossed his keys on the counter and pulled out his phone to contact his dad. He shot a text and waited for a reply.

  Just as he settled at a kitchen chair, the back door opened and Cara walked in.

  “Hey, what are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same. I thought you stayed on campus.”

  “I live on campus, but this is still home. I get tired of roommates and parties.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. I came home hoping to get a real meal. My apartment is still under construction.” The half truth should’ve been enough, but not for Cara.

  “And?”

  “And what? I should’ve called first, obviously, because no one’s here. So that means no dinner.”

  “I’m here. And I cook. I’ll even cook for you if you tell me what’s bothering you.”

  “Nothing’s bothering me.”

  She smiled. “That means it’s girl trouble.” She bit the inside of her cheek as she thought. “This is tough because I don’t remember Mom talking about a new girlfriend.”

  “There is no girlfriend.”

  “So it’s someone you slept with.”

  “Shut up, Cara.”

  “I love it when I’m right. What’s the problem? You screwed some girl and she thought it was going to be a lifetime commitment?”

  Just the opposite. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He felt uncomfortable under her steady gaze. She had their mom’s eyes, and she could stare down anyone.

  She rolled her eyes then. “Men,” she huffed. But she went to the refrigerator and scoped out the options. “Mom has leftover pasta in here
. That good for you?”

  “Yeah. Whatever.”

  Cara pulled out the plastic containers and then dishes from the cabinet. The sounds in the kitchen brought him back to being a kid. It didn’t matter that it was his sister and not his mom making the noise and the food; it felt the same.

  She set a plate in front of him. He went to the fridge, grabbed the milk, and poured a glass for each of them.

  He picked up his fork. “For the record, this doesn’t count as cooking. All you did was reheat. I could’ve done that.”

  “But you didn’t. So I get credit for feeding you. Make sure you tell Mom.”

  They ate in silence for a few minutes. “So how’s Maggie doing since she came back? I overheard Dad saying she’s working at the bar.”

  “She’s fine. Good.”

  “Isn’t it weird for her to work at the bar?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “She has some bad days, but overall she missed being part of the family business.”

  He shoveled more pasta in his mouth. He definitely didn’t want to talk about Maggie. It was his whole reason for coming here. “How’s school?”

  “Fine. Same shit, different day. I’m ready to be done.”

  He remembered those days. The last few months of senior year had been horrible. “That doesn’t make much sense since you just signed on for three more years of school.”

  “That’s different. That’s law school. The stuff I learn there will be useful. It’s what I need for my career. These classes, not so much.”

  He couldn’t argue. He still wasn’t using a damn thing he’d learned in college. Of course, he hadn’t gone to school to be a carpenter. Watching his younger sisters grow up and move into their careers unsettled him. Was this all he had to look forward to? Being his dad?

  Maggie had a point. He had been sitting back and waiting for the job to come to him. With Chicago, he didn’t have much of a choice. Maybe it was time to look elsewhere.