Hold Me Close Read online

  “You’re quieter than usual. Something’s wrong. You can tell me. I’ll even promise not to tell Mom and Dad.”

  Could he talk to Cara? She could keep a secret. Surprisingly, all of his sisters were good at that.

  “You’re a girl, right?”

  She grunted. “Last I checked.”

  “That didn’t come out right. I mean, you know girls and how they think. Is it possible a girl could sleep with a guy and have it be just sex?”

  She laughed at him. Then laughed some more. “Lord, Shane. Welcome to the twenty-first century. Guess what? Women like sex. Guys don’t have the corner on the market. Yes, girls have sex just to have a good time. We’re not all weepy women, mooning for some soul mate.”

  “I know that.” He inhaled to get it right this time. “Before I go on, it would help if you didn’t include yourself in this conversation. I really don’t want that information. But if a girl cares about a guy, they have a relationship, and they sleep together, what’s the likelihood it was just biology?” He knew in his gut it wasn’t just biology with Maggie, but he had no idea how else to explain it.

  “Look, I can—I mean, a girl can like a guy and not want a relationship. Relationships take work. School is time-consuming: reading, homework, papers, friends. Many of us—many women—just want a good time, a physical release. It doesn’t mean they don’t like the guy. In fact, lots of people I know hook up routinely for a ‘friends with benefits’ thing.” She finished her dinner and stood to take her plate to the sink.

  “No, it’s not that. She definitely wants a relationship.”

  “Then maybe you’re not good enough. A girl doesn’t want a relationship with a guy who can’t get it right.”

  “I got it right. I’m not having that conversation with you. I knew this would be a mistake.” He stood and put his dish in the sink.

  “No, wait.” She laid a hand on his arm. “You’re really worked up about this. It’s not like you. Isn’t this normally the kind of thing you’d talk to Maggie about?”

  As soon as she finished the question, he saw the idea flash in her mind.

  “Oh, my God. You and Maggie slept together.” Although she whispered the words like they were a huge secret, she followed it with a squeal-giggle and a jump that only sisters knew how to do. “This is so exciting!”

  He shook his head and loaded their dirty plates into the dishwasher.

  “Now that I know what this is really about, I need the full story.”

  He sat back at the table and explained the situation, leaving out the specific details. He knew the physical part was not an issue. He needed help navigating the emotional situation with Maggie.

  “I always knew you guys would be great together.”

  “I thought so too.”

  “Thought?”

  “She’s . . . I don’t know. Determined to find some other guy. It’s like I don’t exist as a guy for her.”

  “Trust me, if she slept with you, and it was her idea, she’s well aware you’re a guy. Did you bother to tell her how you feel?”

  Shane stared at his sister.

  She rolled her eyes. “Men. You’re so stupid.”

  “I’m not stupid.”

  “Yeah, you are. Is Maggie supposed to be psychic? Guys always accuse women of not saying things straight, using some kind of code when we talk, but at least we talk. You have to tell her how you feel.”

  “What if she doesn’t feel the same? Then I lose my best friend.”

  “What did you expect to happen?”

  “I thought she’d feel it. I did. It wasn’t just fucking, Cara. It’s different when it’s someone you love. I always thought that was some bullshit Mom and Dad spewed to get me to keep it in my pants as a teen. But they were right.”

  “I know.”

  He shot her a look, but her eyes darted away. When had Cara ever been in love? “Who?” he asked.

  “We’re not talking about me.”

  “I kind of wish we were.”

  “You need to talk to her. Take that risk. Otherwise, you keep things as they are. You need to decide what’s more important.”

  Maggie. She was all that was important. But that wasn’t much of an answer. Could he just tell Maggie he wanted that relationship with her?

  He still wasn’t sure. Talking with Cara didn’t make him feel any better. He had no idea why women advocated all this talking shit. It hadn’t done him any good.

  Maggie walked into her mom’s house, late as usual. All of her siblings were already there. In the past year, they’d added so many family members, the house was filled to bursting. Maggie’s first thought was that their dad would’ve loved it.

  She walked past her brothers sitting in the living room and into the kitchen to find her mom and Moira at the sink. Quinn was putting something in the refrigerator.

  “Hey,” Maggie called.

  Moira turned. “I’m glad you’re here. I need to talk to you after dinner.”

  “Talk now.”

  “No. It’s too much with all these people.”

  “Moira, go set the table,” their mom said.

  “Grab the silverware,” Moira said to Maggie.

  Together they went back into the dining room. If the family grew any more, they’d need to invest in a bigger table. Not that one could fit in this room. Extra folding chairs had been added to the corners of the table.

  “What’s going on?” Moira asked.

  “You’re the one who said she needed to talk to me.”

  “That’s a work thing. We’ll talk about that later. I mean, you look different.”

  Shit. Could Moira look at her and know she’d had sex? She’d been dying to talk to someone. But not here. Not now, with her entire family within eavesdropping distance.

  “We’ll talk about that later too.”

  “What’s going on?” Ryan asked. “You two look thick as thieves, just like when you were scheming as kids.”

  “What?” Moira’s eyes widened, trying to look innocent.

  Maggie didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t pull that off anymore.

  “Moira, Maggie, come get the food,” their mother called.

  Both girls rolled their eyes.

  “Ryan and Colin have arms too, Mom,” Moira yelled back.

  “Why do you bother?” Maggie asked. “She’ll never expect them to do anything.”

  “Not true,” Ryan said. “We fix things around here. When was the last time either of you mowed the lawn?”

  “Uh, never,” Moira answered.

  “As soon as you mow the lawn or shovel the snow, we’ll help with dinner.”

  “It’s a bunch of B.S.,” Moira mumbled, but she and Maggie both went to the kitchen.

  Over dinner, most of the talk revolved around Saint Patrick’s Day and the bar. Ryan had finally agreed to do green beer, but he wasn’t happy about it.

  “With Saint Paddy’s landing on a Sunday, we have to be ready for a full weekend of business. People will start drinking Friday night and not stop until Monday morning when they have to go back to work. I’ve got the full staff on hand. How many of you will be there?” Ryan asked.

  Moira, Liam, and Michael all chimed in with yeses.

  “I can do door duty, if you need me,” Jimmy offered.

  He’d never worked at the bar, but Maggie figured that being engaged to Moira made him family now, so he was willing.

  “I’ll be there for all the shifts,” Maggie said. “Drunk Irishmen tip well.”

  The entire table quieted. Everyone stared at her.

  “What?” she asked. She hated being under the microscope, but it was always the worst when it came from her family.

  Her mother’s lips thinned and almost disappeared.

  “We don’t expect you to work,” Ryan said.

  “But I’m going to.” She looked around the room for support. Surely they all didn’t think her incapable of working the holiday. She stared at Moira with wide eyes.


  Moira looked away.

  Maggie stood. “It has been nearly five years since I was raped.”

  Her mother sucked in a sharp breath.

  “Yeah, Mom. I can say it. I was raped. It was horrible and I still have bad days, but I’m better. I want to work with the rest of the family on Saint Patrick’s Day.”

  Looking at all their faces, she knew she couldn’t back down now. “I can’t believe my own family has so little faith in me. I traveled to Europe by myself. Nothing bad happened. I’m working at the bar, and I’m living in an apartment above it. Across the damn hall from where Todd raped me.”

  She knew her mother was in shock when she didn’t scold Maggie for cursing. She grabbed her plate. “What more do I have to do to prove to you that I’m okay?”

  In the kitchen, she scraped the rest of her dinner into the trash and put her plate in the sink. She had the sudden urge to pull a beer out of the fridge. It was something her brothers would do in a situation like this. She hadn’t felt the desire to drink any alcohol in years. Not once. But today with her family looking at her like she might break, she wanted to drink.

  Man, she was fucked up.

  She heard the sharp whispers from the dining room. They were probably arguing about who had to come and talk to her. Talk some sense into her. She’d place her money on Moira. They’d think she could play the sister card with Maggie to get her to acquiesce.

  Sure enough, Moira entered the room a moment later. Maggie shook her head.

  “They’re all stupid,” Moira said.

  Maggie’s eyes shot up to her sister’s face.

  “They won’t listen to me anymore than they listen to you. Ignore them. Do what’s right for you.”

  Maggie threw her arms around her big sister. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. Let’s get out of here.”

  “Where?”

  “We’re going to my house to talk. Jimmy’s going to hang out here with Liam for a while.”

  Maggie smiled. Moira was probably the best sister someone could ask for. “You have any beer at your house?”

  Moira’s forehead wrinkled. “Yeah. Why?”

  “I think I’m ready for that too.” Where else could she sample and feel safe? She immediately thought of Shane and how safe she’d always felt with him. But Shane wasn’t an option. “I have a sudden thirst for a beer. Part of me wants to pop one open just to scandalize Mom more. And really, if she hadn’t had a heart attack, I would.”

  Moira laughed and put an arm around her. “I don’t know why they worry about you. You’re fine.”

  Maggie drove to Moira’s new house, which wasn’t far from their childhood home. Both she and Jimmy wanted to stay in the neighborhood because of their respective parents. Maggie had been to Moira’s house only once, last month when she’d helped them move in.

  It was a bungalow designed almost like the house they’d grown up in. Moira opened the door, and Maggie was surprised there were no boxes sitting around. “You have everything unpacked?”

  After laughing lightly, Moira said, “Jimmy would have a fit if I left stuff in boxes. It wasn’t too hard given that I got rid of a lot of my stuff. We wanted to start building the us.” She flicked on lights as she walked through the house.

  Moira went to the kitchen and Maggie detoured to check the bedrooms on the first floor. They were using one as the master. The other was Moira’s office without a doubt. Piles of paper and notebooks were all over. This was the chaos she was used to seeing with Moira.

  Moira came up behind her. “We keep this door closed so Jimmy doesn’t have a seizure.”

  Maggie turned off the light and closed the door. “Good to know that falling in love hasn’t totally changed you.”

  “Being in love is supposed to change you some. It’s like becoming a better version of yourself.”

  Maggie sighed. Yeah, she wouldn’t mind having that.

  “I put coffee on and stole a couple of pastries from Mom’s.”

  “You’re good.” Maggie followed her back to the kitchen. She bit into the éclair Moira has swiped for her as Moira set a brownie on a plate. “So what work stuff did you want to talk about?”

  “I think I might have a job for you.”

  “What?”

  “It’s not a done deal, but the paper I used to work for out in the burbs is looking for a photographer. It doesn’t pay great, but it’s a foot in the door.”

  “How did you find out about it?” Custard dripped from the pastry and Maggie licked to catch it.

  “I had coffee with a reporter I used to work with. She wanted to pick my brain about a new project she’s starting. One thing led to another and we were talking jobs. I have the information so you can apply. Put me down as a reference.” She took a long drink of her coffee. “The startup Tara is doing might pan out for you too.”

  “What?”

  “She’s starting a new online Chicago magazine. She’s just getting it off the ground, so there’s no money, but if you help her it’ll build your professional portfolio, and when she starts making money you’ll be first in line for a paycheck. And if I know Tara, it won’t take long.”

  “Thank you. It means a lot that you’d put yourself out there for me.”

  “You’re my sister. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know. Thank you.”

  “You ready to talk yet?”

  “We are talking.”

  “Not about what happened at the house. Not about you wanting a beer. And definitely not about the look on your face when you got to Mom’s.”

  Maggie polished off her éclair and her coffee. “For that story, I might need the beer.”

  Moira went to the fridge, pulled out a bottle, and handed it to her without opening it.

  Maggie rolled it between her palms. Would she still like the taste? Did she need the crutch to talk about Shane? Yep. She twisted the cap off but didn’t yet drink.

  She wanted to make the attempt without it. “I had sex.”

  Moira choked on her coffee. “What? When? With who?”

  Before Maggie could answer any of the questions, Moira asked, “Most important, was it good?”

  “Oh, God, yeah.” The words slipped from her tongue easily.

  “Yay!” Moira clapped her hands rapidly. “Now give me the details.”

  Maggie exhaled a heavy breath. “It was Shane. I asked him to have sex with me to see if I could.”

  “Wow. He agreed? I never would’ve thought.”

  “Why not? He’s my best friend. Wouldn’t you do anything for your best friend?”

  “Yeah, but . . .”

  “But what?”

  “Nothing. So it went well?”

  “Not at first. We talked and he was adamant about me being honest, as if I’ve ever been anything other with him. But he was so worried about me, you know? The first time we tried—”

  “Wait. There was more than one time?” Moira leaned forward on her kitchen table, eager for information.

  “Kind of. We tried and I wanted it, but then when we got to the bedroom and he took off my bra, I froze. So we stopped.”

  Moira’s face wrinkled with worry.

  “But then I started again, solo, and he finished me. And it was so . . . wow.” Maggie threw her hands up like an explosion. “I’d forgotten how good it could be.”

  She stared at the beer in front of her and then took a gulp. The sting of alcohol hit her tongue and slid down her throat. Not bad. “Then he spent the night, and we hung out the next day and then he fucked me.”

  Moira’s eyes widened with her word choice. She had to phrase it that way in order to keep her distance. It had to be just sex with Shane. She couldn’t pretend it was anything else.

  Then Moira’s face got hard. “What do you mean?”

  “He fucked me. Thoroughly. Like I saw freaking stars and my body was wasted.” She took another gulp of beer. “It was amazing.”

  She hoped her voice didn’t sound dreamy, but that�
�s what it had felt like remembering.

  “So it was a resounding success.”

  Maggie nodded.

  “Now what?”

  Another drink of beer. “Now I know that if I invest the time to get to know a guy, trust him, let him in, I can have a full relationship.” She finished the last gulp of beer, and the alcohol started to hit her system. “Basically, I’m back on the market for a boyfriend.”

  She stood and grabbed another beer from the fridge. She held one out to Moira, who declined.

  “What did Shane say?”

  “About what?”

  “About any of it.”

  “He thinks I’m stupid, and I’m going to rush into a relationship with an asshole because I managed to have sex one time and having sex once doesn’t make me normal.” Her thoughts began to blur, and she was pretty sure she was rambling. She twisted the cap off her beer and chugged a bit, as if the liquid would stifle her anger at Shane’s attitude.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Moira asked, pointing at Maggie’s bottle.

  “I haven’t had any alcohol in almost five years. I think I should be celebrating.”

  “I’ll get you a pillow and blanket for the couch. You’re not driving.”

  “Okay.” She smiled at her sister. “You don’t think I’m stupid, do you?”

  “For wanting a complete relationship? No. But you aren’t thinking everything through.” She stood to leave.

  “Like what?”

  “Like Shane, honey. Did you think about him in all of this?”

  “What’s there to think about? He’s bossy. And controlling.” Her eyes fluttered closed. “And in some situations, that could be a total turn-on.”

  “That.” Moira pointed at her. “That right there. You can’t toy with him. Do you think it was easy for him to sleep with you?”

  “What are you trying to say? Am I some kind of hardship? I’m not ugly. I know I can sometimes be difficult, but it’s not like he didn’t get an orgasm out of the deal.” The room started to spin, and she slapped her hand against the table to stop it.

  “Oh, honey, we need to talk when you’re sober. You really have no idea. Shane loves you.”

  Maggie stood, holding on to the table for balance. “I know. I love him too. I think I’m ready for bed now. I never used to be such a lightweight. Who’da thought five years without beer would make it hit me so hard?” She giggled and then couldn’t stop.