Between Love and Loyalty Read online

  “But you can. You can show them they’re touchable.”

  “I don’t think I want to. It’s not worth it. They’re better at this game than I am.” And Fiona would be crushed in the middle.

  “After all the work and effort, you’re going to walk away as if none of it matters?”

  Connor sipped from his beer, glancing at Dermott over the rim. He never understood why this was so important to Dermott. The Cavanaghs hadn’t done anything to him directly. He still had the ability to live whatever life he wanted.

  Now was the first time Connor felt like he had the same chance.

  “Shit, boy. What the hell?”

  Connor set down the beer and looked at Dermott, confused.

  “You’re in love with her.”

  Love? “I didn’t say that.”

  “No, but you got a stupid puppy-dog look on your face.”

  “What do you know about love?” To his knowledge, Dermott hadn’t ever been in love. Unless you counted Connor’s mother and he didn’t think that relationship had gone anywhere, mostly because Connor had been arrested. He wondered if Dermott had kept in touch with his mom. Connor hadn’t, wanting her and Danny to have a fresh start without his actions weighing them down.

  “I know it makes you stupid.” He sighed and shook his head. “But when it’s right, it’s worth every bit of trouble. Is she right?”

  Connor shrugged. “I don’t even know if it’s love. She makes me feel like a teenager, not wanting to worry about work or anything else. When I’m with her, nothing else matters. Not even the Cavanaghs. Shit, if her last name wasn’t Cavanagh I wouldn’t be having this conversation now. I’d let the relationship ride its course.”

  “But she is a Cavanagh.”

  Connor blew out a heavy breath. Talking to Dermott didn’t help, but at least Dermott didn’t seem mad about Connor not pursuing the book.

  “If you care about her, you need to tell her the truth. About prison, her brother, the book, everything.”

  “If I tell her everything, she’ll hate me. I don’t know if I can handle that.”

  “She’ll hate you more if you don’t.”

  “I told her the important parts.”

  “What do you consider important?”

  “I told her I went to prison. And that I beat the shit out of Aiden.”

  “That’s only about half.”

  “It’s the half that lets her know who I am, what she can expect.”

  “What about how you took the rap for a friend?”

  “Who are you kidding? I did a stint in prison for money, not for Aiden.”

  Dermott dumped his water in the sink. “We both know money was only part of it. You wanted a better life for your mom and Danny. You knew prison would be harder for Aiden. You’re loyal. She should know that about you. You’re more loyal than all the Cavanaghs put together.”

  “They’re pretty loyal to each other.” Too bad their loyalty didn’t extend outside the family. Aiden had been his friend. One who he’d expected to care while he was in prison. As soon as they’d been picked up, Aiden distanced himself, as if they’d never even known each other.

  If he told Fiona everything, would she do the same? Would she pretend they’d never met?

  “It’ll never be real without honesty,” Dermott said and walked away to serve other customers.

  The alcohol wasn’t making anything clearer for Connor. Every time he blinked, he saw the I love you look in Fiona’s eyes. She hadn’t said the words, but he could tell she struggled to hold them in.

  He never wanted her to be afraid to tell him anything, but he couldn’t quite wrap his head around the idea that she could love him.

  Even after his confessions, and telling her about his past, she held fast. Nothing made her waver.

  He didn’t know if he could offer her the same.

  * * *

  Fiona didn’t know what was wrong with her. The election was over. Her father’s position was secure. She could fade back into relative anonymity. But she found herself checking in and reading Weston’s blog a few times a week.

  Something about it fascinated her. After she’d starred in the one post, she’d read the archives to better understand this guy. For the most part, he didn’t sound like the nutjob she’d assumed. The archives revealed a man who fought corruption in the city the best way he knew how. The gossipy post about her and Patrick had been an anomaly she couldn’t explain.

  Which was why the post two days ago made her blood run cold. Weston had written about her father again, the first time in the week and a half since the election results. He accused her father of taking bribes to award construction contracts.

  Fiona stressed over the bad press. Weston said he had a source, an anonymous insider. Once again, she questioned the rumors about her father’s political dealings. Her father cared about his job, his position, and most important, the city. Every politician engaged in wheeling and dealing, and she was sure there was no way around it in a city like Chicago. For all the changes and reform, things ran the same.

  She’d called her father after reading the post, hoping for reassurance.

  “Fiona, it’s after eleven. What’s wrong?”

  Shit. She hadn’t thought about the time. “Sorry I’m calling so late, but have you read Weston’s blog?”

  Rustling greeted her question. She pictured her dad getting out of bed so he wouldn’t disturb Mom. “Sweetheart, I told you not to read that trash.”

  “But Dad, this feels like he’s on a hunt, coming after you specifically.”

  “He usually is.”

  “Have you read his posts beyond the ones about you?”

  “Honestly, I haven’t even read those.”

  She sighed. Of course he hadn’t. He had people to do it for him. She wished she could explain why this post bothered her, why it made her question her father.

  “Fiona, don’t worry yourself over my career. We won the election. The people have spoken. They trust me. The naysayers will always attempt to knock me down.”

  “Okay.” It wasn’t quite the reassurance she’d hoped for, but he was right. She’d always avoided reading articles about him in the past. Why was she compelled to read them now?

  Fiona disconnected and deleted the bookmark for Weston’s blog.

  She worked through the night and slept most of the day. When she woke, she read the newspaper and wished she’d pushed harder to make Dad understand. The Sun-Times had picked up the accusations and Fiona felt her eyes fill as she read. If only she’d caught Weston’s blog when it had posted instead of two days later. Then she could’ve pressed her dad, or worst case, talked to her mom.

  The Times reported the Legislative Inspector General, a post her father helped create to fight corruption in the city council, was allegedly investigating her father. This was a legitimate paper, not some blogger with a grudge. They wouldn’t print something without evidence to back it up.

  Of course her father’s only response had been his favorite: no comment.

  Fortunately, the Inspector General didn’t comment either. Maybe the sources being used for the story were misinformed.

  Fiona spent the afternoon at the outreach center, knowledge of the accusations weighing her down. Her students showed no indication that they’d read the paper and made the connection between Fiona and her father. Sarah met parents at pick-up time, so Fiona avoided any questions.

  As soon as the kids were gone, she drove to her parents’ house, but when she saw the flock of reporters standing out front, she kept driving. She didn’t know how long she drove around, but she didn’t want to go home. Her nerves were frazzled and her worry about her dad gnawed at her, so she called Connor. “Hey. Are you at home?”

  “Almost. What’s up?”

  “Have you seen today’s paper?”

  “No, I’ve been in Lake Forest finishing up some bookshelves.”

  “Can I come over?”

  “Since when do you need permission? I’
ve gotten kind of used to you just popping up.”

  His tone was light, but she couldn’t make herself go along. “I’m cranky and miserable and I need to hide out. I won’t be good company.”

  “What happened?” His tone had shifted and she imagined his face becoming that cold distant stone she hated.

  “I’ll explain when I get there. You want me to bring dinner?”

  “Sure.”

  “See you soon.”

  Fiona grabbed some Chinese food near Connor’s house and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw no suspicious activity in the neighborhood. In the back of her mind, she’d feared someone would’ve ferreted out their relationship and she’d lose this refuge. It didn’t matter that the entire concept was ridiculous. She only heard the echoes of Connor telling her that he’d never pass the test to be in the public eye.

  Connor opened the door before she even knocked. The concern on his face undid her, and the entirety of the stress she’d smashed down all day bubbled up. He didn’t say a word, just opened his arms and pulled her close. She sagged against him and let go.

  Chapter 12

  Connor held Fiona and tried to figure out his next move. They couldn’t stand in his doorway all night. It was getting damn cold out. He’d just gotten home a few minutes ago and hadn’t had a chance to take a shower or look at the newspaper to see what had Fiona so upset. He inched away from the door so he could close it. Fiona sobbed silently, but her shoulders shook and his shirt became damp. Max whined beside them, knowing something was wrong.

  “Come on, let’s sit down and you can tell me about it.” He led her to his new couch.

  She sat before looking up, startled. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her cheeks were ruddy. “Where did this come from?”

  Max plopped down on her feet, as if to make sure she couldn’t go anywhere.

  “I finally bought a couch. It was overdue.” Besides, he needed to do something besides drink, which was how he’d spent his time without Fiona over the last few days. Every time he thought of her loving him, he sought out another drink.

  He didn’t have that problem now. When she was in his arms, it felt right, like the words didn’t matter. He didn’t know how to keep the doubt at bay when she went home.

  Unless she didn’t.

  He forced the thought away and said, “What’s wrong?”

  She inhaled deeply and released a shuddering breath. “An article appeared today about my dad.”

  Of course. He should’ve figured as much.

  “The damn political blogger is at it again. This time, he’s saying my dad took a bribe from some construction company. The details are fuzzy. He says he has a source with information. Then the Sun-Times ran a similar story saying the Legislative Inspector General is investigating my dad.”

  He already knew most of what the Cavanaghs did had to do with money. “Is it true?”

  She shrugged and fresh tears streaked down her face. “I know my parents aren’t perfect. But this…this is my dad going against everything I really thought he believed in. There have always been accusations, but he swore they were false. I haven’t spoken to him since last night, before the Times article. He told me not to concern myself with the naysayers.”

  She was more naïve than he’d suspected. Talk about living life wearing rose-colored glasses. She curled next to him and settled her cheek against his chest. It was much easier to comfort her when he didn’t have to look into her eyes.

  “I’m not totally naïve, but I want to trust my parents, especially my dad. When rumors spread about my dad and he dismisses them, I want to believe him. I should be able to trust my parents. Every politician faces rumors and allegations. I never saw any proof not to believe my dad. Something feels different this time.”

  Connor didn’t know how to respond. As much as he despised her parents, he wanted to comfort Fiona. He hated them even more because now they’d hurt her. Instead of talking, he simply stroked her back to help her calm down and relax.

  Fiona pushed away from his chest and used the bottom of her shirt to wipe her face. Her bright blue eyes glistened and still held a look of hope even in spite of her parents.

  Connor held her hand and kept his mouth shut. Anything he said would come out as criticism, and she didn’t need to hear that.

  She pulled her hand free. “Let’s eat before the food gets any colder. I’m sorry I rambled on so long. You’re probably starving.”

  “It’s fine. That’s what I have a microwave for.” He sat and held her until she calmed.

  The quiet was a reminder for Connor to get a TV for the living room. Having the mindless noise in the background would’ve helped. He still didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. His words would either be filled with hate or they’d be lies. He’d had enough of lying to Fiona. From this disaster, though, came the reassurance that she could never find out about her parents paying him to go to prison for Aiden.

  Although he couldn’t imagine her holding it against him, it would definitely drive a wedge between her and Aiden, and the more he found out about Aiden, the more he began to believe the man truly had changed. Aiden wasn’t the spoiled rich kid he’d been. And he was Fiona’s ally, one who understood their fucked-up family.

  After a long time, Fiona pushed up and looked into his eyes. “Thank you for everything.”

  “I haven’t done a damn thing. I didn’t even buy you dinner.”

  “You were here for me. And you’re letting me hide out here to avoid my family and the press.”

  “It’s no hardship. I like having you here, and so does Max.” The dog had followed Fiona’s every move. Connor had never seen him so attached to anyone.

  “Max is good for sadness. It’s no wonder you love him.” She lowered herself and gave Max a hug. When she straightened, she rubbed her eyes. “If it’s okay with you, I’m going to take a shower.”

  “Whatever you want.” He cupped her jaw and kissed her, hoping it would offer her some comfort.

  After the kiss, she hugged him tightly and whispered, “I love you,” before running up the stairs.

  Connor sat, stunned, unable to move until he heard the bathroom door close and the shower start. His heart hammered at hearing the words.

  He’d known. He’d known, but he’d been trying to block it out for days. Not knowing what to do, he went to the kitchen and popped open another beer. Alcohol wouldn’t fix anything, but he might feel better on his way to finding some answers.

  Love was a step he’d tried to ignore with Fiona. He cared about her more than he thought possible, but love? He’d never loved a woman before, so he didn’t know what it was. All he knew for sure was that Fiona had taken residence up in his heart and mind and he could no longer imagine his life without her. A few days without seeing her made his life feel empty.

  He thought about keeping his past with Aiden a secret without doing damage to his relationship with Fiona. Which would be more destructive—the truth or a lie?

  * * *

  You’re such an idiot. Fiona berated herself in the shower. She’d learned over the course of many relationships that talking about love caused more harm than good, especially early in the relationship, but the words just popped out. Connor excelled at making her feel healthy and normal. And she had needed that after holding everything in the entire day. Her mother would’ve been proud to witness how bottled up Fiona was. At least for the day, until she saw Connor. For some reason, seeing him made the emotion spill out.

  Then she had to ruin it by admitting she was in love with him.

  When she stepped fresh from the shower, smelling like Connor after using his soap and shampoo, she hesitated. She didn’t know what to do because she had nowhere to go. If Connor freaked out because of her admission, she’d have to leave. Going home or to her parents’ house or Aiden’s didn’t appeal to her, so she called Sarah.

  With a towel wrapped around her, she walked into Connor’s bedroom and flipped on the TV. Maybe her parents hadn
’t made the evening news. Something had to go her way, right? Sarah answered as the news anchors began with national headlines.

  “Hey, Sarah.”

  “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m okay. I just…” Even thinking about what she did made her feel like an idiot. “I told Connor I love him.”

  “You did what?”

  She sank onto the bed and turned the volume down on the TV. “I don’t know how it happened. When I got here, I fell apart. He didn’t criticize me or tell me what to do. He just held me. And then the words slipped out.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t give him a chance. I ran upstairs to take a shower, but I’m pretty certain he’s downstairs freaking out, trying to decide how to get rid of me.” She finger-combed her curls while keeping an eye on the news. “Now I’m pacing in his bedroom, starving because I brought dinner and left it in the living room.”

  “You need to chill out. Go down and get some food. Don’t mention the whole love thing unless he brings it up. And really, what man ever brings it up? I think you’re safe.”

  Sarah got quiet, which worried Fiona. “What’s wrong?”

  “I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you, but as long as your night sucks anyway…You should know that reporters showed up at the center after you left. I don’t know if they were looking for you, but they did ask questions about your family’s donations. I don’t know how any of it fits with the accusations. I think they were grasping for anything.”

  “God, I’m sorry.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. Besides, the questions were pretty mundane and they got bored quickly. It’s not like I could say anything bad about your family’s foundation and their involvement with the center. They give me money and never check on it. I like hands-off donors.”

  Fiona laughed. “My parents are good at hands-off. Should I stay away for a few days?”

  “It might be best. You hate the press, and I don’t know if they’ll be back.”

  Fiona’s stomach sank. She loved working at the center and teaching art. She hated that her family caused a spotlight to shine on the center in the midst of bad publicity. At least Sarah’s news briefly took her mind off Connor. Until her stomach growled.